All of my 5sos work

Sometimes

Things don't always work out as you may hope. I for a fact have learnt this the hard way. 

As I click record and sit, staring at the lens I break down. The tears fall freely and words are the last thing that cross my mind as the droplets roll down my cheeks and snot runs from my nose. In the viewfinder the focus shifts from the broken state I am and opts to look at something prettier, my fairy lights that took me an hour to put up a year ago. 

Exhaling loudly I walk away from the camera, from all the lights and go to the bathroom. I pick up my face wipes and wipe away the already ruined makeup, my face is red, it's sore, it's become raw- but it is who I am at this time. Hovering in the doorway I see how my usual setup is filled with positivity, I always like to make people smile like he would for me but we don't always luck out in life. 

Placing a couple of pillows on the end of my bed I cross my legs and run through my usual checks before grasping onto my cup of tea and holding it close to my face. The steam continues to rise from the brown liquid warming my cheeks leaving the tear stains damp, as if they'd never stopped fading. 

"It's been awhile." Speaking up I take a long pause, unsure what to say next, what would be suitable to say next. "At this point I've gathered everyone knows, knows what erm" Trailing off I force my sleeve under my nose to remove the snot I can feel coming back. 

Not now. It's a few minutes. 

My eyes meet a picture of us just to the left of my light, the one my best friend framed specially as it was one of our personal favourites. Both of us on the beach, the sunset, laughter fills the silence around me as I reminisce on that day, how I wish we could go back. "you're aware of it all, and thank you for respecting my privacy." The urge to fidget is more apparent now, usually I could sit still and focus for hours but now that it was serious my body screamed at me to have a distraction. 

Sometimes I would pick my nail varnish off, leave trails. When I did this he'd joke about how one day he wouldn't be there to hoover up the trail I left behind or to be the one to convince me I had to focus. If only he could be sat next to the lights now, messing on his phone or just having his presence would be enough. 

"The topic comes with almost unpredictable response, I know I'm supposed to feel sad- I know I do but, but I just feel," My lip started to tremble as the lump built up in my throat again, everything aches, burns from the hours I lie there thinking of what will come next. "empty." I sigh loudly as I continue to struggle keeping eye contact with the lens, with my audience. "It's been three weeks and I can't feel anything, my whole system has shut down and I am feeling numb to the core. I wish, I wish I could just plug in my thought process as I know it would be ten times clearer than I'm being now." I place my tea down and hold my head in my hands, groaning to myself. 

Ten minutes, you can do this. 

"No one expected it, of course we didn't. We'd planned our future together, talked about everything, the things you keep under lock and key. I was just waiting for him to come back from surfing with the guys, a day out before tour started again. Now I wonder if the guys will tour again." Lowering my head I can't help but see all three of them at the funeral, how much of a mess each one of them was. 

To what degree of broken can one get to before being lost entirely? 

If you saw those guys that day, you'd consider them long gone. "You know what happened, I can't, I can't relive the hours that followed, the days that followed as I waited after Ashton came over full of panic and fear." My eyes were welling up as I felt the words spilling out, unable to be held back. "How I tried to tell myself he was alive, he would make it." Blinking the tears fell, the silent sobs returned. 

But he never made it. 

"T-thank you for understanding, and the love and utmost support you all have. I love and appreciate you all." I try to smile but it appears as a broken grimace. Standing up I turn off the camera, put my equipment away and upload the footage. 

After it is edited in my dark room, the fairy lights long turned off I let it upload. Focusing on the percentage I think of the comments, the social media response that'll follow this video. It had to be done, for my own sake. Three weeks of radio silence and hiding away in my own world of solitude without being able to lace my fingertips over his tattoos as we lay in bed, unable to hear his laugh or focus on those deep brown eyes full of pure love and affection for everyone in his life. 

Typing in the video name I hover over the title seeing the two of us with goofy smiles through blurred vision. Blinking again I click it and hear the sound of laughs and joy fill my ears rather than the ongoing silence that lingers with every step I take without him. 

I can't help but laugh along with the two of us, the brightness of the screen causing me to squint my eyes but I don't mind in this moment. For here, right now I can just live back in this video, focus on how nervous he was to be in my video because of everyone's reactions- which turned out better than hoped. 

As the video comes to a close and the screen goes black I find myself facing my broken reflection once again. The moment of smiling and laughing has passed. I'm left in this reality, alone, without my best friend at my side. 

Sometimes you wish things would work out in your favour, the ones you love would be at your side throughout your years, but we don't get lucky. Calum deserved better, I hope that wherever he is now is good to him, and that I hope to see him again; soon.