All of my 5sos work

Castaway

If you had asked me sixth months ago where I saw myself in the future the answer would've been simple, with Ash. Yet now I think how naïve I must've sounded to all those people and more importantly to myself, that in reality there isn't a happy ever after, instead we just close that chapter on our lives and move on. It was so weird how it happened, so sudden but it seemed so obvious now I have the chance to reflect on the whole thing. We were drifting apart from each other and I don't think either of us could've accepted the heart break if we admitted it.

Sixth months ago I had gone through a rough phase with myself, in no way was I blaming Ash as he was too caring, too honest and gentle. I became very paranoid as we hadn't told the fans we were dating at that point in time, although we had been going out for nearly a year yet we couldn't find the right time and instead just tried to enjoy the time we had to ourselves. Except no matter how much I had tried to relax I was tense, I was living in a state of paranoia every time Ashton went to hold my hand in public in case someone saw, in case word got out and people hated me. All of these stupid pathetic worries seemed to cloud in my mind all the time and I couldn't take it.

As I would go out alone in the day I could hear people whispering, they weren't even whispering about me but they sounded like screams, so intense that I shut myself away in the studio just to keep calm. I barely went out besides home then to the studio and back, I would go home with Ash who was always tired. The journey home would be silent, he'd play the radio whilst I curled up into a ball and stared outside, looking into the never ending darkness.

He would pull my jacket off of my body and then his, hanging them onto the hooks and I would slip my shoes off and head towards the stairs. Ash would get some drinks whilst I busied myself in the bathroom, Ash always thought I was just going to the loo but instead I would stare at my tired state, how truly sleep deprived I looked. How I hadn't even bothered with makeup whereas the others girls made an effort, even if it was a small effort it showed they cared how they looked. Whenever I heard him come upstairs I would've come out and was always embraced into a reassuring hug, he would hold me close, wrapping his arms around my waist or lifting me up so I would straddle his waist, just to be close to him and feel his warmth.

When he would release me we would talk about anything, almost anything. It was as if he was oblivious to my paranoia but part of me was grateful; I didn't want to scare him or make him worried about me so once the lights turned out and Ashton peacefully fell asleep I would turn away, and my eyes would never remain closed.

Then it happened, it was another day of recording at the studio. Going in through the back in case of any unsuspecting fans came on by, and then we would be inside. We'd all meet in a large room where all the guys would be with their girlfriends, I would usually sit and talk to Adriana, Calums girlfriend who was always so sweet. She could tell how I felt but never brought the topic up thankfully, for most of the day we would lounge around, the guys would all go in or one at a time to record different parts. It was when Ashton went in to record his solo which I was so proud of when the bomb started to tick.

"-bet you're excited right y/n?" Calum asks and I snap out of my day dream.

I shake my head before pushing my hair out of my face, "Sorry Cal, I zoned out. What're you on about?" I ask politely, trying so hard to now stay awake and appear engaged.

"Oh just about the tour." He smiles to Adriana who has a concerned look on her face and glares to him, immediately his smile starts to fade as I feel myself go into full on panic mode.

Trying to remain calm I ball my fists up to hide the shaking, "So when's the tour starting?" I ask holding back the suppressed lump in my throat, blinking rapidly to fight the burning tears, trying to get rid of the blurs.

"We erm." Cal began to stutter whilst the others remained quiet, he desperately looked to Luke and Mikey but they kept their heads down and Adriana held his hand, nodding to him. "In two weeks y/n." He stated and I slowly nodded before standing up and quietly dismissing myself. I heard Luke stand up to follow me but someone muttered how I needed time alone.

As I went down the corridor and to the stairs I paused by the top of them and held onto the banister, feeling all of my arms shaking and my heart racing uncontrollably. A sob escaped me and I clamped my hand over my mouth as I ran down the stairs, wanting nothing more than to be alone, to think things over.

As I reached the bottom of the stairs and went to open the next door someone held it open for me, except I felt like an insignificant being when I saw his face, how he looked so afraid and torn over my state. He went to hold my arm and bring me into his embrace but I abruptly flinched, pulling myself away from him. I still remember the look he had in his eyes, the way the Hazel darkened with sadness, and he lowered his head in a shameful manner. All he wanted to do was check if I was okay, if I was hurt but I was hyped up and scared like a caged animal, living in a state of paranoia so I did the worst thing I could've done, I snapped.

It happened instantly, all of the stress and the paranoia surged out of me. I was in this state of rage and couldn't control myself, snapping at Ashton was horrible but at the time that was the only thing all of my energy was focus on.

"You ass!" I began, starting to yell at him with full force. "You didn't think to tell me how you're touring in two weeks, two fucking weeks Ashton! And the worst part is," I scoffed wiping my eyes as a natural reflex now due to the habit. "worst part is that you weren't the one to tell me. That I had to go and find it out from your BEST FRIEND! Can you not tell how upset I am, how my behaviour has been a little off? No? Well I'm not surprised as I've hidden it well, worn a mask everyday just to seem happy and I can't do it anymore Ash." My voice cracks as I finish, now realising what I had just said and my eyes widen as my thoughts catch up to my words.

Glancing up to Ash his face goes pale, he looks as if he too had been bottling it all in but clenches his jaw, not saying a word. The worst kind of sadness, silent. I edge away from him as he lowers his head, not wanting to face me anymore. "I'm sorry Ash, I just can't." I whimper before opening the door and running outside.