All of my 5sos work

When Things Fell Apart: VIII

Four Years.

The note remained in my fingertips even though I had memorised his words and meanings. It had been a long time since I bothered trying to talk to him, I told the empty line what needed to be said, I can remember it as if I uttered those words yesterday. 

A lot can happen in four years, people can change and grow or shrink into their own existence. 1095 days to be precise, this is how long it has taken me to figure out who I was and with the spare 365 days I gave myself well, let's just say I kept myself busy- since half of it remains hazy when I try and think about it. 

Leaning back into the seat I re open the curtain, letting light into the aisle as I reminisce on the last time I was on a flight. I remember being drained, officially defeated by my status as a person and the guilt that had ridden my form, guilt from lying to Ashton, to Luke but also to myself. Closing my eyes I hear the cries that echoed down an empty line, the cries developing into muffled sobs as I tried to calm myself down only muttering apologies to him rather than coherent words. 

In the distance the clouds clear revealing the reality of the dream world, masses of land covered in green, light rays shine through the clouds illuminating the ocean and the tiny ant sized people below. Could he be one of them? This remained an apparent thought that circled my mind even though I was hours away.  Sending my parents a quick message, letting them know roughly how long it would be until I'd land and return to the life they hope I'd lead- something relatively normal. 

To me he was no longer dead, he was a ghost that haunted every decision I made. His voice spoke the fearful thoughts when I went to a bar or spoke to some guy or went on a date, he was haunting my every move and I couldn't bare it, so I drowned it out. Unfortunately I can't do that now, I can't keep repeating the same actions as it'll only end with more pain than it began with. When he first apologised there was a searing through my chest that spread rapidly through me. Pounding in my temples began and I felt sick to my stomach yet I was paralysed in a state of disbelief yet now, now everything is numb, and this my own undoing. 

Focusing on the piano that played into my ears I cast those memories away for a good reason as a new voice entered my ears and I couldn't help but overhear. "Yeah I just want to tell him I'm sorry, like I didn't mean it I was just caught up in the moment of it all." She was trying to be quiet from in front of me but through the slither of the chairs I could just make out the brown hair that was perfectly curled for a 12 hour flight. 

Blinking I averted my eyes and ears from her conversation, I didn't want to know the context nor did I care. Sighing I rested my head in my hand, focusing on the clouds clearing and a smile forming on my face. Everything was coated in white, gaps were made but everything else was in a complete blanket of snow; just in time for Christmas. Unaware of how much time had passed as a new day dawned I began to get myself together seeing the lights flicker for seat belts to be re fastened. 

Having made it off of the plane and through the boardwalk I couldn't help but feel apprehensive. This was it now, this would be when I press play on my life again. I can't pause anymore or rewind, I'm stuck in this moment and there's no turning back. Releasing a shaky breath I grip onto my luggage even tighter than before and head into the arrivals area, my eyes scan the scenes of loved ones being reunited. Seeing them hugging tightly or having flowers or kissing non stop, tearing my eyes away I try not to think how much I miss it or crave that now. 

The sound of my name being called with such joy caused my ears to perk, tilting my head up I see my parents waving and without a second to spare I run over to them. Embracing them both in a tight hug it's as if I'm 12 again, coming home from an awful school trip that lasted four days and I had never missed them more, that was until now. Their hug meant security, complete protection and undoubtful sense of love.