All of my 5sos work

The Accident: II

Contingent days of sitting in the unnerving silence was a different kind of pain. It hurt all the same but this was more pure and psychologically based, I refused to move, I refused to eat and chose to spend my days looking at the blank wall where I played it all back. 

Everything felt wrong still, the unnerving feeling hadn't disappeared, instead it loomed over me as I tried to get up everyday making it twice as hard to even think about my feet touching the cold wooden floorboards. At night he wasn't there to hold me close, kiss my forehead when I woke up from a nightmare or to hold onto if I were cold. He had remained a shadow that slept by my side, an empty feeling that I wanted gone. 

My attempts to call him were over, my brother took my phone away to just stop hearing my sobs to a voicemail that will never be heard or returned. Instead I just sat there, it was lifeless, worse than being in that hospital room. I get told daily updates from my brother as I sit or lie still in my bed, our bed. He tells me about the weather outside, about anything funny he's seen or when he will make me something to eat- no mention of his name or anything to do with his life, he saw it as a trigger and I knew from the glazed look in his eyes. 

Every night since I came home after waking up from yet another nightmare without him to comfort me I would go to the window and admire the stars. The most prominent thought was always about him, whether he too was looking at the moon and thinking of me like I did to him. He used to call the freckles on my face little stars that make my smile shine brighter than the moon in winter, and I would call him the beaming sun due to the pure amount of joy he would bring. But that's not the case anymore, I'm stuck without the sunlight to brighten up my life, trapped in this permanent darkness. 

A whole month after my recovery period, four months in total of silence had passed. Things had gotten slightly easier, I got up in the mornings and joined my brother for breakfast, we spoke about the weather and his plans for the day - still not talking about him. I would zone out when I saw pictures of us on holidays, his drumsticks in the basement or the odd wrist band on the furniture. But slowly these things were easier to see, they reminded me that I too needed to get better, if he can put himself through hell then I can do this. 

Eventually I wandered outside, firstly I went into the garden and let the soft chill in the air attack my skin and cause goosebumps to form, the good kind. I smelt the autumn flowers and played in the rich orange leaves that fell from the neighbours tree. Then I went for a coffee with my best friend, I walked more to help with my leg and my ribs, I needed this. I needed to live again. 

It wasn't supposed to happen like this, the amount of worry that followed when I got a phone call from an unknown number one evening whilst watching a film. Answering all I could hear was heavy breathing, I knew that sound from those nights after he got back from tour where we could be ourselves, together. I knew it from the laughing fits we had or the aftermath of playing his heart out. My mouth went dry, words didn't form and my mind wouldn't function. Opening my mouth I tried to form his name, speak it no matter how hard the tears fell from my eyes yet it was no good. A croak escaped me and as soon as it did I was back to being the fragile state I was when I found his letter, mumbling words to myself in some form of comfort. 

My brother found the phone in my hand when I woke up, my face stained with tears and I struggled to remember what had happened until I unclenched my fist to see the crumpled letter that was in my other hand. His words still affecting me as if I had read them for the first time, sitting upright I let out a shaky breath and wiped away the last of my tears, shaking my head. "I'm done." 

Two words were enough for me, I couldn't do it, I couldn't spend my days in fear or confusion about our future together. He hadn't spoken to me or anyone for four months and the sound of him breathing was enough to send me over the edge. I couldn't wait, I couldn't live like this and wonder for the rest of my life what if he came back or said something besides he was sorry. 

I may not have been toxic to him but I was a toxin to myself because of him. Picking up a bag from underneath my bed I began to put some things inside, essentials to last me a week or so. In the midst of packing my brother knocked on the door and froze as he saw the amount of mess I was creating but it didn't stop me, he questioned me but with the lack of response he walked away. Lifting the bag I began to walk out of my room but glanced back before I turned the light off, eyeing all of the photographs and the blank wall that I spent too long picking apart. 

As I reached the doorway my brother stood there, his arms crossed and face torn. "Where are you going?" He asked raising an eyebrow, sighing I shuffled on the spot. 

"I'm going to visit mum for a while." I spoke quietly, not wanting to say anything too boldly in case he questioned me more so. "Just look after the place will you? I need some time away from it all," Looking around I pictured every memory that was made in each of these rooms. "it's getting to me more as the days pass." Giving him a tight hug I unlock the door, "I'll be back soon, thank you for everything." He nods in response as I close the door behind me and head to my new car, having to replace the entirely destroyed beloved car I used to own. 

Driving away I gripped onto the steering wheel, it took me awhile to get back into a car after the accident. A part of me was terrified it could happen again, that the bones that had only just healed would get shattered like glass, break like my heart did as I was left to pick up the pieces alone. The drive back home was only a couple of hours long, drives like these allowed me to think, reflect on everything that had gone on in these past few months. My parents knew there were issues, they were supportive and hence why my brother stayed with me throughout this period, he was always my rock to lean on when I was growing up. 

Arriving outside my mum walked out and squeezed me tightly, "Yep my ribs have just healed so go ahead and break them again eh mum?" I joked and she pulled away, taking a good look at my dishevelled state.  

"A good meal ought to do you some good, come on inside." She began to tell me all about the things everyone has been up to, how my cousin had gotten the job he was after for a while or how my uncle spilt red paint all over his white rug when re-decorating. 

This is what I needed, an element of normality in my life and I knew it would easily be restored at home. Here I was just me, I wasn't known as having a breakdown or suffering from that accident. I could be myself, the self I needed to rekindle with. Family time was essential, I was able to laugh without feeling guilty as I saw his photo in the background or sing without hearing him join in. Things we would always do as a pair had now become a solo act, and I was okay with it. 

At least I thought I was. 

Tuesday morning, not the sort of day I wanted to start with my parents yelling my name in need, a sense of urgency as they drew my name out like that. The way they did when I was growing up and wondered if I had run away from home or had a guy in my room with me, or that something bad had happened. Hearing them call for the fifth time I pushed the duvet off of my body and slipped out of bed and walked to the landing and glanced downstairs to see them both pacing and muttering things to each other. 

Hovering at the top of the stairs I wrapped my dressing gown tightly around myself for warmth and their heads turned to face me, a look of fear hidden within their expressions. Anxiously I walked down the stairs, my heart now in my throat. "What's wrong?" I asked trying to keep calm, have logical thinking about this, it could be anything, anything. Don't think it's the worst, don't think it's him. 

My mum exchanged a look with my dad and the two of them led me into the living room to sit on a sofa. Eyes wide with worry this was bad, any logical thought that I had was gone, it had been banished as the last time they did this to me they told me how my grandma had cancer. A soft hand was placed on my left shoulder as my dad kept his eyes on the rug beneath his feet. Looking to my mum she wore that sympathetic smile but confusion within her eyes. 

"Listen sweetheart," Sign two that something bad has happened, not addressing me by my name, the attempt to sugar coat this has begun. "we got a phone call half an hour ago from the Police." I shifted but my parents calmed me down as my heartbeat took over every other sound, drowning everything else. "You aren't in any trouble do not worry, it was about an incident that happened this morning." She sighed and tore her eyes from mine. "A body was discovered near the beach, and they erm," She was tearing up, the words were like poison that she couldn't get out with ease, glancing to my dad my eyesight failed me as I blinked continuously, all he could do was nod. 

"They think it's Ashton." 

I can't do this anymore.