All of my 5sos work

Judgement

Pulling my coat tighter around myself I kept my head low as I entered the building. Conversations were kept to a minimum as I heard others mutter as I silently walked past them towards the reception where the echoing of the phone sounded throughout the lobby. Keeping my eyes on the floor as my heels clicked against the marble flooring I placed my hands on the desk and removed my sunglasses. 

The receptionist tried not to wear judgement as I placed my sunglasses on the top of my head. Instantly the confidence I once had now dissolved, replaced by my body struck with fear of those eyes surrounding me. "Hi, a room booked for Thomas?" I asked without stuttering, glancing around I tried to avoid those eyes on mine but as always, that is never achievable. 

She typed away into the computer that remained hidden from my view, for a moment she glanced back to me then focusing on her screen. "Just, just for one night?" I could see her trying not to guess what I was up to, why I was wearing such an oversized coat and wanted to avoid everyone. 

Nodding she got up from her seat and moved towards the back room leaving me hovering at the desk uneasily. Although I knew that no one knew who I was, it didn't make their eyes lingering on me any easier or their harsh words to be untangled without me crying in my sleep when they circulate. When she came back she gave me my key, and muttered a 'enjoy your stay' trying not to smirk to herself. 

Taking the key along with my bag I walked quickly to the lift, not wanting my coat to fly up and risk exposure. As I stood in the lift on my own the uneasy feeling in my stomach only grew, it never ceases to build up moments before we are reunited. It just causes me unnecessary amounts of grief and consciousness for one night every few weeks and then becoming nothing more than strangers, was it really worth it? Or was I merely seeking comfort? 

As I walk along the never ending corridor I try and shut out the smell of cleaning product, the stale smell that clings to the fibres in the carpet probably older than the cleaners who work here. I focus on the room numbers, wondering how many have passed through here for similar purposes to my own. When I was growing up I'd hate thinking of such a thing, about the invisible dirt they'd leave on the sheets, the act of knowing about others in the rooms either side. Now here I am, being my own worst hypocrite. 

Standing in front of the door I try my hardest to control my breathing, it always gets hitched in my throat as I stand there with the key in hand. Slowly I unlock it, moving the key until it clicks. I sigh, I've done this too many times. 

It starts with me taking my coat off, I carefully hang it up to prevent creases. My heels remain on for now, no matter how much they pain me. I walk into the bathroom and admire my attire, black was always the classiest option, so that was what I wore for him. I reapplied my lipstick, a dark red which was pointless as it would be in ruins in a matter of minutes. I practice smiling, I pinch my cheeks as I try to convince myself that I do miss him. 

A ring on my phone snaps me out of my focus, he's asking where I am. Sending him the room number I unlock the door, leaving it for him to just walk in, as always. Patiently I wait as I perch on the end of the bed, wanting nothing more than to take the heels off but no, I keep them on. I hear footsteps near the room and I lift my leg out, waiting for him to enter as I hold my arms behind me. Stretching my body out and my hair to flow behind me, leaving my outfit on show for him. 

Chuckling I hear the door shut. He walks in with the same smile, always impressed with the effort I put in. Standing up I walk over to him, missing those brown eyes that I crave to look into whenever I can. Slowly I remove his clothes, helping him with such a difficult task. "Hi." He smiles as I bend down to undo his belt and take my shoes off.

Rolling my eyes as he winks I undo my own shoes then being in a height difference lead him over to the bed. "Hi, I missed you." Sighing I lie down, waiting for him to join me. 

"You know how it is on tour, I wish I could take you with me." Playing with my hair in his fingertips I can't help but admire all the features about him I missed, the smile he wears when he's content, the glint in those eyes, or the endless tattoos decorating his skin. 

Running my fingers over the tattoos on his arm leading to his chest his face comes closer to mine until I feel at ease. The judgement from earlier and every other time melts away when I'm with him. When we hold hands, when we dance, when we laugh or watch movies. When he kisses me slowly and passionately, how he takes his time to ensure I'm enjoying myself too. "Ready?" Pulling away I can see the drive clear in his eyes, all I have to do is nod. 

*

Outside darkness draws nearer, we lie together in the creased sheets with him holding me close. "Do you ever think we can be official?" I speak up with a question I ask now and then. 

Hesitant to reply I know what's coming. He's too scared, not of me but for me. His friends know me, they've met me and we all get on just fine, but he doesn't think the fans will manage or process us. So here we are, lying in some cheap hotel sneaking in and out like we commit crimes every few weeks. 

Lifting his hand to smooth my hair, something he does out of guilt occasionally. It's as if he thinks I'll forget, as if my hair holds all of my memories that will simply glide away with the touch of his fingertips. But no, the same thought always stays whenever I see him. 

"How do we though? I love you, I love everything about you but you're so precious to me I don't want you to get hurt." Lowering his eyes he struggled with his reasoning. 

I released myself from his grasp and walked away towards the shower, alone. Turning it on I shut and locked the door, letting him know now I would want time for myself to reflect, not to share. Steam flooded the bathroom, fogging the mirror until I was just a blur in the condensation. 

The heat the shower gave was always comforting, sometimes more so on lonely nights without Calum to hold me close. I stood under the shower for longer than needed, I scrubbed viciously at my skin to remove the layer that formed. I could feel dirt coat my skin filled with secrecy, lies, promises that are never fulfilled and the dreams that I wait to happen, if they ever happen. I felt myself choking on the steam until I felt myself rid of the shame that clung, refusing to part after all this time. 

Once dried I could see my reflection slowly return in the mirror. Fresh faced, shame ridden expression. I got out and let the steam follow me, it vanished into the air like my feelings did leaving Calum unsuspecting. He walked over to me as I began to pick my things up. "I'll go first this time." I muttered as I slipped my dress back on and picked my heels up. 

He reached his hand out and took my heels from my grasp and dropped them. His hands connected to mine as he just admired my eyes, not taking his eyes off of mine for a single second. "I'm not doing this anymore." Unsure how to take his words I froze up, fear etched into my expression. 

"If that's what you want." A lump formed in my throat as I quickly removed my hands from his. 

Turning away I slipped my coat on and took a deep breath before facing him again in need of my shoes. "No no, I meant the secrets." Pausing I still couldn't look him in the eyes, I focused on the bitty blue carpet instead. "I want them to know, I want everyone to see how much I love you and always will. You shouldn't have to feel ashamed or hide, you aren't worthy of this. I saw this as temporary, the whole hotel thing but no more. I want you to be seen by my side rather than walk out without me." Pulling his shoes out he motioned for me to wear them instead of my uncomfortable heels, along with his hoodie. "I know you'll be comfier in these than those, plus it'll cover your dress." 

Picking up our things we left, hand in hand. As we stood in the lift I didn't feel nervous or ashamed to be leaving, I didn't feel dirty. My hand was in his, we were together. The doors opened and some turned to face us but I no longer felt the judgement, it merely stayed locked in a hotel room.