All of my 5sos work

Preference #27: They call it insomnia

(mixture of fiction and personal experiences, I don't take mental health issues lightly therefore I am only writing based off of my own experiences with insomnia - thank you)

It's the same every night. My body will crave the feeling of sleep, I prepare myself to drift off but it never comes. Instead as I lie there I can feel the exhaustion, almost as if I can sense how drained I am and I'm desperate need of sleep. Something that my body seems to reject.

For so long now I find myself lying awake every night, my eyes are heavy and begin to close, my body becomes lifeless but my mind continues to whir like it had been given a whole new boost of knowledge. As I lie awake I feel tired, the physical sense washes over me but my mind won't stop, worries and doubts about anything and everything circle my mind as I lie there and see the colours of the sky change, as if they were tormenting me. Whenever I find myself awake the next morning everyone assumes I've slept all night, that I'm 'just tired.' If only that were true.

I fall asleep as the new dawn breaks through the clouds, when the street lamps become pale and have little use as we say goodnight to the moon and greet the sun for what should've been a pleasant day.

It hurts. It physically and mentally hurts me not sleeping. Sleep is a big part of our lives, how sleep deprivation is a thing, yet no one seems to believe in it. Instead they brush it off as staying up too late, or not getting enough exercise.

Since Ashton came along he understood me from the first night he stayed with me. He could notice how jittery I seemed and how unavailable emotionally and mentally I seemed as he woke up. The problem is that it's not like I can spend the night doing something productive, it's as if my body shuts down, that it freezes on me. When Ashton went touring it seemed like a good thing in a weird way.

Ashton had agreed that if I needed someone to talk my thoughts through then he would only be a phone call away. He helped me significantly. Initially I hesitated to call him, I felt like I were burdening him in some form, that I was wasting his time with my thoughts. But Ashton was different.

Instead of brushing my thoughts off he wanted to know more, he asked me how I felt, what was bothering me or seemed to make me anxious; sometimes just something I had wondered about that loomed over my mind, something that lingered like dust in the sunlight. For a while I kept my conversations per week limited, I didn't want to become reliant on his voice but I found myself missing him too much. He said it didn't bother him, that as long as he knew I was awake he was always up for a conversation, after a solid two months he advised me to go see a doctor. 

It's not that I haven't attempted beforehand, I used to be petrified of the idea of booking an appointment, explaining my problems regarding my physical well being. But now I had no other option, I wasn't going to risk self diagnosis as I would end up worrying myself even more, I wish Ashton were here to hold me, comfort me as I headed to the doctors. Yet as I walk down the road to the small building I walk it alone. Waiting is always the worst part, as whilst I wait and see others pass with the same look of dread on their faces that is when the doubt kicks in. Maybe I should just go back home, tell Ashton there was a cancellation at the last minute?

"Y/n?" My head shoots up to see someone calling my name, I take a deep breath before standing up and following them to a room where they knock for me and leave me to enter. 

"Ah, Y/n." My doctor sits in his chair typing away on his ancient computer whilst I awkwardly hover before taking a seat nearest to the door. Once he finishes typing he turns back to face me with that small polite smile that they always give as they examine you with their eyes, trying to figure out what you came for. "What seems to be the problem?" He asks as he grabs ahold of a notebook and pen. 

Letting out a deep sigh I began to explain, I told him about the difficulties and how drained I felt but had to continue my day like there wasn't any issues. How I couldn't move or sleep any other time, maybe an hours nap now and then. But most importantly how afraid I felt, that was when a tear fell down my cheek which I quickly wiped away as he finished writing some things down. 

"Okay Y/n, I think I know what this could be." My heart rate began to intensify as he paused, he kept hitting his pen against the paper at a slow rate causing me to become more anxious as I awaited his deliberation. "Have you been under a lot of stress since it began?" I thought back to the time it began, and then slowly nodded. Then it was exam season, of course I was stressed and my sleep schedule went out of the window. "Do you still feel over stressed?" I nodded, this makes me stressed, incredibly so. 

"So what is wrong with me?" I asked, feeling more nervous than when I entered as he referred to his notes momentarily before making eye contact with me, there was a look of sorrow held in his green eyes that worried me. 

*

"They call it insomnia." I told him as I stared at my ceiling, letting out a shaky breath as I tried to get my head wrapped around the whole thing. When the doctor told me I thought it was some life threatening disease, but instead it was a result of all the stress and anxiety I've allowed to build up. Now I had the task of explaining it all to Ashton over the phone, something I wish I could do when he held me close in his arms.

I waited for him to respond, it took longer than I had hoped. A part of me felt like he was having second doubts about us, about being with me if I wasn't normal, some freak who couldn't sleep. "I'll help you every step of the way. I want to help you try and stop this. Whilst you've been talking I've been looking up methods to help that include calming music, less alcohol and caffeine plus warm baths before bed and setting times for you to sleep and wake up." I let out a light laugh, slightly surprised he had put so much thought into this all. 

"I must say I am impressed." I joked and heard him chuckle lightly. 

"What can I say, I want to help even if I can't physically be there right now. I just hope when I come home I can hold you in my arms and see you drift off to sleep when we watch films or when it's raining and we're having a lazy day. More importantly I want normality for you, I want you to be excited without feeling guilty or upset that you can't sleep. Right now it's about helping you in anyway I can." He explained with a tone of serenity I had not heard in such depth before from anyone, as I listened to him I felt my eyes beginning to close, finally after hours of talking I could be soothed to sleep yet again. 

"Good morning Ashton, love you." I mumbled into my phone, seeing through my heavy eyes it was 5:50am now, but happy to feel relatively tired and relieved to know what this is. More importantly to know that Ashton cared so deeply that he would be willing to help me every step of the way. 

"Good night, I love you too."