grief & relief

The News

This morning ( 7/08/17 )  i woke up to a rumor about a death. The death of a girl who was my best friend from sixth grade, to 11th grade. Our friendship ended very bitterly, she was the type of person that did not allow her friends to have any other friends, so when i got a boyfriend she was pissed. because that wasn't allowed in our friend group. Oh, and let me just add this. I was the reason why she made friends, when she was new a group of people were being mean to her, so i quickly went to her side and we became friends. more people started slowly trickling into our group. She was one of the craziest people I've ever met, she would twerk and talk about God while singing the song from mean girls. We had morning jam sessions while doing homework, we'd listen to high school musical, Disney songs, her religious music, and random bands. We'd do chubby bunny challenges and she would make jokes how the Asian (her ) would have to help the Hispanics (myself and the rest ) in Spanish. she was very smart and was about to head off for university next month. Although she ruined my life i can't help but feel sad about this. I am chronically ill, and last year i wasn't supposed to make it after a very large seizure. When I woke up and was recovering I had been wondering how my friends were doing, I texted them and no one answered. Eventually I found out that the girl told the whole school that i'm faking my diseases, that im just an attention whore and i deserve what was happening to me. By that time I had been with my boyfriend for nearly a year.

When I got better i tried to find out what the problem was, and i found out she turned everyone against me, i had no more friends. It shocked me because of everything I had done for her. I ended up leaving school because of my health. I've been ill my whole life, i have seen many doctors, and even then she called me a faker. I know this rant is all over the place but I just needed too let it out. Yes, we were best friends and i will always cherish those memories but i still have so much anger towards her. Ever since last year i wished that she'd die, i wished for horrible things to happen to her. about five days ago, nearly a week ago, i saw her at target, and i was having a panic attack because i couldn't stand seeing her anywhere near me. She never had the guts to say anything to my face, she denied it in person because she was always scared of confrontation. So anyways, yesterday, 7/7/17 she suddenly died of the flu. Apparently her parents found her dead, and her death was apparently quick.  I feel so much grief for her family, because of how close i was with them and because when i last saw her she was with her family. the loss of a child is devastating, and i can't help but feel weird about it.