grief & relief

Denny's convo

The other day I went to denny's with friends, and they somehow mentioned Mary's death, and how it's suspicious. I agree. she did not have an obituary and her funeral was postponed twice, there are no records of where she was buried. I thought she would have been buried where my grandparents are, and I know that her parents would not have had her cremated. It all still feels like a dream. Mary is alive, Mary is alive. I see her places and I get angry, I remember what she did. But then seconds later I remember, " this can't be Mary, Mary is dead! " but it happens constantly. I don't miss the fear I had when I'd see her, I don't miss the betrayal I felt ( and still feel ) when i'd see pictures of her with MY friends that she stole from me. This time of year, October, was the best three and two years ago, it was perfect. I remember Mary had gotten her lime green Iphone c and she was soooo proud, we were taking so many overfiltered selfies and she just would not put her tongue back in her mouth. She was convincing me to talk to my crush, who ended up being my ex boyfriend. That time of year we all made tie dye shirts together, and since mary couldn't come over the day we did the shirts we used hers as the test prop in case we messed up, but hers came out the best, somehow. We all laughed when that happened. Mary and my sister put glittery makeup on their face of jaguar paws, they were being " spirity " and at the time we were all happy and fine, ' the pack ' was complete and we were all content. I miss this time of year, it was before everything went to hell. I know this may seem like I like Mary, but I don't. its confusing. She was someone I once called my best friend and shared amazing memories with, and imcrying while writing this, because it should've never ended like this.