You came up twice today.
We were at Walmart and I was getting some highlighters and sticky notes, I started laughing when I remembered you always stealing my highlighters and never giving them back when we had our morning jam sessions. My mom said she hates hearing about you because you sound like a horrible person.
Then about a later in the car my mom was asking me why I don't want to go out with Julian. She knew that I've been avoiding him and ignoring his texts.
My first thought was, " because I'm scared he'll hate me for being sick. "
" He might treat me the way Mary did when everything went downhill. "
And that's so true. He's a sweet guy, he really is. But losing someone else who would be close to me is just too much to handle.
You know Ryan used that excuse on me that I was too sick for him to love me anymore,
and you said I'm sick and don't deserve friends. That lasting effect has me paralyzed. I can't let myself find new friends or relationships because of how scared I am to suddenly lose them to another person like you.
Even though you're gone that anxiety is still there.
YOU ARE READING
grief & relief
RandomJust writing my thoughts about a loss that has recently happened to me.. My grief along with very mixed feelings. All real. Very personal and just a journal. Published July 8th, 2017.
