grief & relief

Appointment

I had an appointment today with a new therapist/ learning skills therapist and she was asking me all these questions..

Then, she was using some examples for certain scenarios and the name she kept saying was yours.
Mary.
That's it.
I felt my heart sink even more.
She was asking me what I like to do for fun and how I would " define a friend " all I said was, " definitely not the way my old friends treated me.. " she was asking me what could cause me to hate a person, it was like she KNEW. I paused because I didn't think I should say anything. But I did. I said " if they stab me in the back " and every single memory came tumbling down. I told her how we met and she was asking me a lot of questions about what kind of friend I am/was. I told her a few stories of when I threatened Jon after he broke K🐢's heart and how I poisoned David after he hit you in the head with a basketball. She even talked about how friends can annoy each other at times, and my first thought was you twerking all over everyone singing at the top of your lungs and how you were always saying how Justin was annoying. We'd tease each other nonstop in a loving way.
Eventually, she asked what happened to my friends, after I said I lost them.
I think she thought I mean they all moved away.
So I told her the story of what you did when I was in the hospital, she was shocked at the fact that ONE person could cause a whole group to cower away in fear. She asked if I ever got to confront you, and it made me a bit angry. I never got to confront you.
I paused.
I eventually told her that i never got that chance because you were in heaven.. I never got to find out the reason why you did what you did.

Even though we saw each other days before you died and you wouldn't stop glaring, we never talked. You know what the last thing I ever thought about you was?
" I hope you get hit by a car "
I think the doctor could feel the guilt radiating off of me.

She wanted to know if I grieved for you.