grief & relief

4 years gone

4 years ago today I woke up to the news that you had died. I thought it was a joke. I thought it was more likely that you had moved away to college than had died. I thought you hacked both the boyfriends account to write a dramatic message about yourself because that is just something you would have done. But no. It was an actual tribute to you. You were gone. Just 3 days earlier I told you to go get hit by a truck and die. I didn't think you'd actually die. I won't forget our friendship of many years, despite being enemies for 1 year. I won't forget when Lisa literally handed you off to me to take you in as a friend. You were so shy but once you opened up for that first time in PE you became wild and showed your true self . I won't forget you screaming " chubby bunny!!! " to Antonio and chasing him to pinch his cheeks. Your love for One Direction, I remember that day you were doing a speech on Niall and how we were walking around SMS while you rehearsed. I won't forget when you were obsessed with EOS. How you got that whole collection for Christmas. Even with all those you would still take ours. And then you got obsessed with BabyLips and you got that pink one😂😂 How you used to always steal our highlighters. We always told you not to eat all that old food in your bag and you'd never listen. You were such a pack rat with that big ass purse you had. All those plastic boxes of food. I won't forget when you brought that boiled egg and how bad it stunk in the lunch line. We have more good memories than bad but the bad is what I focus on. Because of what you stole. You made sure I had nobody left. Even now it's hard for me to make friends. It's been 5 years since you stole them from me and in those 5 years I've only met 2 new people. I know if you hadn't done that I'd still be friends with the children. I miss them daily and I miss you. I hope you can comfort them today. I hope you send them signs. Comfort ❌ especially. Despite the betrayal I am heartbroken that you are gone. I wish you could have succeeded in your dream in becoming a history teacher. I hope you would have changed the way you were by the time you were older. I'm so sorry.