grief & relief

25th birthday

Today would've been your 25th birthday. All of us are getting older and so many of the people we graduated with are married and already on their third kid. It haunts me that you're forever 18. I admit the guilt always manifests near any of your anniversaries. I never knew when we said we'd really mean pinky swear to the grave about one of the funniest things that we ever did, that you'd be the one to go first. I always thought it'd be me. You stopped aging at 18. You're frozen in time. We met when we were 11 and to think we'd all be 25 and closer to our dream careers. As much as I don't want to, I miss you and I grieve you. I love you and I'm forever heartbroken by what you did. That's something that will never heal. Over 7 years later it's haunting. I just miss teasing you over your birthday being National Justin Bieber day. You used to get so mad. You wished your birthday was a different day. And I always told you that meant you were connected to Justin, because your little sister had the same birthday as him and then your birthday was his designated day due to the Believe album. I miss you. When I was at the doctors the other day, my bf swore he saw K🐢 and I wasn't sure if I believed him, since the only pictures he'd ever seen her in were old. I was going through them to confirm to him if it was her since I didn't see. But by doing that I saw our pictures. Our memories. I'm sorry you're gone and it's not fair to your parents. No one should lose a child. Today we should be hearing you scream "it's my birthday b+tches!!!" And "baby gemmmzzz".