A Teacher's Diary

Fighting My Own Demon

November 2, 2016
Wednesday

Today is my last day of sembreak. I was actually thinking of summarizing on how I spent all my days off and I don't know if I would be able to justify those days and time. I am even convincing myself that none of them were wasted. I was able to spend time with my boyfriend in Sky Ranch Tagaytay and another day walking in Marikina Riverbanks where he actually talked to me about deeper things about myself. I spent a day with Bubb and Siopaulabs, too. I also had a three-day tour in Ilocos with my colleagues. Plus, I had lots of 'me' time.

There's a lot running in my mind again lately. My mind is a battlefield of random ideas contradicting each other. I know I am already twenty five and I don't know what future stores for me. I just don't get what really life means. Especially mine. I don't know what's my purpose. 'Walk with God', Ervien said. But how could I listen to someone who was a sinner himself? He was absolved because he realized he was wrong. He then, wanted to change and get back to God and yet... he was brutally killed with gun shots. Why do sad things happen to good people?

And here I was... guilty.

I am not a good person at all.

When my boyfriend and I were having a walk in the Animal Trail at Riverbanks, he told me to be kinder to people, to try to be friendly and smile a little more. But... That just wasn't me. He said I sounded like, I had a bad experience in the past. I don't know. I just... Find it hard to trust people. I guess, it's an introvert problem. I don't even smile a lot. I usually wear my poker face. I don't want to do good because I don't want to live to people's expectations. I usually don't care what they think of me. Because that's how I could sort out people who are sincere to be part of my life. I only make friends with people worth keeping. So I really don't have a long list. But I really wonder what would they say about me to other people. How do they describe me to other people when I am not looking? I am really curious. I wouldn't find out, would I?

My boyfriend also said I am good at writing. I am definitely not. I couldn't even make a good essay with a given topic. So I am pretty sure he's just telling me that to cheer me up when I said I couldn't really thought of anything I am good at.

I am only good at getting sad for no reason or a lot of reasons. He obviously know that. He pointed out that I made a statement before, about being good in writing... That a person must be hell of a lonely to get his/her inner thoughts more creative. To make the writer a good hell of a writer. He said I shouldn't be like that. And added that it sucks that I allow myself to be depressed. And the fact that I always accept that feeling - the depression. He said I should fight it. Well, I am trying.

I am no longer the person whom used to think of suicide. No. I don't think of that as an escape anymore. I feel down and sad most of the time but I know suicide isn't the solution. But then, I am still the person who can't stop herself from being sad for no reason. I just can't figure out how to be really happy. Just how? Can I truly be happy?