A Teacher's Diary

About EJ: Love, Hate & Indifference

November 29, 2016
Tuesday

I want to know what love is.

I want to know what
REALLY LOVE
is~

- * -

"What is LOVE?" Most of the people ask. For me, there are various meanings to it. Because there are different kinds of love. There is the unrequited love. The unconditional love. The love that knows no boundaries. The forbidden love. Love for the opposite sex. A mother's love. Sisterly love. And a lot more.

Yet, let us focus on romantic love. We can't deny that this is everyone's favorite topic.

I am actually in a relationship for almost seven years now. And maybe, I am somehow taking it for granted. I don't know. Sometimes, it feels weird to be in this relationship for too long. And, because of that, I tend to see the things I don't want about my boyfriend. From his personality, hobbies and philosophies. And surprisingly, there are way a lot of things that I don't like about him. He calls himself Peter Pan simply because he doesn't want to grow up. He doesn't want to give up childhood. I do understand that but somehow, I am hoping that soon he'll be a man. Because... Please... It is hard to be the only one being responsible and the only one worrying about the future.

We're both twenty-five and I wonder whether we'll really end up with each other. (But of course, I hope we are.) And if we are, I am not sure if we can tolerate both of our bad and complicated sides. It makes me wish that we could try living in one roof so I could find out the answer to this not so simple question.

There are a lot of things he wants to do before settling. And sometimes, I get hurt because I can't make him contented with just me. I can't make him happy with just me. So... I don't know. Even though I try so hard not to think about it... It really feels like I am never enough for him. Especially when he told me he wanted to start a board game cafe and then he said that his girl best friend will be his partner. I was disappointed because he never asked me to be his partner. And it made me think that he might be thinking I'm not capable or I'm not supporting him. It was painful. I already told him that I'm interested but I think he didn't even consider (even the slightest) for me to be his partner. So it really made me feel down. And depressed. It really feels like there's something heavy in my chest. In times like this, I question myself if this is love. He always makes me feel crap. Though, I know he could be unaware of it and of course, I know this wasn't intentional. I just hate the fact that, he doesn't really think of ways how he can make me happy. That's why I also stopped thinking about how to make him happy, too, far too long ago. I don't know. But no matter what I do, it's never enough to make him happy. So maybe, there's the possibility that I'm not the one he needs in his life.

Argh! What am I thinking? This is totally bullcrap.

And here comes memories of first love. My present boyfriend isn't my first serious relationship with. I already fell in love before. And I also question myself if that was also "LOVE." Because if it is, then... Why did I let him go?

I had flings with many others but my ex-boyfriend from my first serious relationship was definitely my first love. I believe... He was my first for most of things. I couldn't say whether we had the right love at the wrong time but I honestly had romantic feelings with him. And thinking about it again makes me feel guilty of the things I had done wrong in the past.

But let me just to be clear. I am no longer in love with him. I am just in love with the memory of us. You know... I have to admit that I won't really be able to forget him. It was too beautiful to just forget. Ha! We were so damn innocent when we fell in love.

On the lighter note, I am happy that he had found himself his own true love. And, well... I also found mine. (Well... true love or not. I guess, this is love. Love that is undefinable.)

He doesn't know how glad and grateful I am to all the lessons he taught me. If not for him, I won't be able to stay for almost seven years with my current relationship. I have realized that no matter what my boyfriend and I will go through, I need to be strong for us. I have to accept the fact that no relationship is perfect. And no person is perfect. Knights in Shining Armor and Prince Charmings only exist in movies and novels.

I just want to be really happy. And stop thinking awful things like I would never be enough to somebody. I just need an assurance that my boyfriend loves me no matter what. Even to my worst side such as this one. I have a lot of shortcomings being his girlfriend. I am totally aware of that. And I know... there are times when he say, "Ang arte naman nitong babaeng 'to." I just couldn't help myself being curious about how far he would go in tolerating me.

But no, I don't want him to let go... Because that's just one thing I am afraid of. Him choosing someone over me even with the simplest reasons. I fear that more than death.

So is that love? Or am I just someone who's afraid of being left behind?