A Teacher's Diary

Hungry Me

July 6, 2014

Sunday

The date tomorrow is more significant than of today. 7 is significant with my relationship with EJ. It was the day we first dated. The day he confessed to me. January 7. 7th of every month plays a reminder of how long we've been together. But really, I just stopped counting. We never actually celebrated our monthsary. And anniversaries seemed to be also dull for me. We always ran into fights. So I stopped longing for a celebration nor surprises. We can celebrate in any other days anyway. Even it is not our monthsary or anniversary. Because with such occassions, let us admit that money has a vital role to make it special. And I have it right now. So, EJ and I are going to celebrate today big time.

    *******

I was calling him. No answer. Just keeps on ringing. I bet he's still asleep. Probably stayed up all through the night with his hobbies. I think I'm losing my temper again. Because again, I was over analyzing things. I just feel like he's looking forward to be in his MTG sessions rather than looking forward to see and be with me. And he spent most of his time on his hobbies. And even when we're together, those are still what he talks about. There's nothing wrong about that. He just wants to share it with me. Open up to me.

I guess. It's just me. And my uncontrollable tantrums. I guess I am no longer happy. Or maybe I'm just frustrated with myself because I can no longer make him happy. Which made me realize, I am serious most of the time. Quiet, distant, emotionless, boring... I am very aware of that. Maybe because I wanted to protect myself. But sometimes, when I see couples walking, passing by me.. The girl laughing.. I ask myself why I can't be like that.. Why am I not like that? I want to be perky and hyped and a little crazy. But I'm restraining myself.

Less talk, less mistake.

I just really don't understand myself.