A Teacher's Diary

Prisoner

July 30, 2014

Wednesday

It's not the only dream I had yesterday. 'Happily Never After'is just one part of my restless sleep.

I had dreams. With S. Plural. Sometimes, when I sleep.. I still feel like I'm still awake. I'm still feeling,  moving. Sometimes, I'm being a part of somebody else's world. Seeing things beyond the larger universe. Seeing somebody else's story like I am watching a movie. Sometimes, I can tell who they are. But most of the time, they're strangers. Randomly, I also get to be the lead character, the dream talks about me. But often, I couldn't tell.

Sometimes, the dreams are vivid. But most of the time, it's blur. Sometimes, it becomes a dejavu or some sort of a premonition. But there are times that I just try to forget.

I want to forget..

Especially, the dream I just had yesterday. I'm not the woman. Am I?

Am I going to die? Would I remember?

I don't know.. I don't know..

The only time I could only rest is when I finally sleep to forever. 

*****

Eid Al Fitr was announced public holiday. Yesterday was time to relax and rest. Yet, I had things in mind.

After I did my laundry, I thought about the stories from Wattpad Gillian sent me last Monday. I started and finished reading the one entitled 'She Died'. It's interesting. And weird because I had a dream about a ghost of a dead woman even before reading it.

The last part was astounding. Eros, the guy lead became a teacher. Nice, feels like fate leads me to reading that story. He mentioned there that with his students, nobody would be left behind. He promised himself that all of the students in his class will graduate.

Nobody should be left behind... I already learned this from my CPE class even before I got my license in teaching. Denny? Bakit ang taba ng utak mo? May Law of Inertia ka pang nalalaman. Hay. Pakingteyp.

I am a teacher by profession. Writer by passion. Pero ang totoo, wala naman akong matinong istorya na kayang isulat bukod sa mga putol-putol at magulong mga panaginip ko. I am a talentless freak. Trying hard na 23 years old na hanggang ngayon mukhang 13 because I lack height. I don't even know why I gave up my job in the call center to study and pursue this teaching career. Eh parang wala naman atang natututunang matino sakin ang mga tinuturuan ko. I feel bad whenever I just feed them whatever are already in their books. Mabuti pa kasi sa call center, after your shift, you no longer have to care. You don't have to think of your lesson plan, of making quizzes, of computing grades, of talking to the parents, or of thinking a new strategy.

When I enrolled under the CPE Program, at the first day of the class, the professors asked us why we're enrolled. The truth is, that time.. I want to answer them, "Trip trip lang po. Trying something new." But I was still honest, I told them I'm not really sure if I would like to be a teacher. I'm in this stage of soul searching. I want to have a license to teach just for a set back. My professors told us, "kung hindi ka naman seryoso sa pagtuturo at wala ka namang pakielam sa mga batang tuturuan mo.. please lang, huwag mo ng ituloy." But, tada! Here I am. Not satisfied of the achievement I made. I graduated from my CPE class, passed the board exam, earned my license and hired as a grade school teacher in a prestigious school.

(Insert Serenity Prayer here)

Maybe I should watch Great Teacher Onizuka.