A Teacher's Diary

Life And Death

"To live a worthwhile meaningful life, a person must be part of something greater than himself."

- John Maxwell

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I've always thought of not to only just exist... but to truly live.

《Promise. You don't wanna read this. This is just my drama crap. So.. No. Don't waste your time reading this. Just leave this page before it's too late. Or else.. Don't tell me I didn't warn you.》

My head hurts. Big time. I'm anxious whether it concerns my health. I have never been fully checked up. I have not aware of any diseases I may have been suffering now. I experienced passing out. Experienced being blind even though my eyes were fully wide opened. I had rough allergies. I went through medications to battle Dengue fever.

You know.. I rarely get sick. But when I do, it would take my system down seriously. I wonder if I am in trouble again.

I never knew if I have something to worry. I am not afraid of doctors. I just don't like spending money to them. I am not also scared of dying.. Or the death itself.

Sometimes, when I feel very happy.. I am actually willing to die that very moment. The kind which is painless. Not tragic. I want to die young. Just like those people who are kind and forgiving and amazing when they were still alive. I wanna be remembered that way. I always wanted to know how people think about me. How they describe me when I'm not around... How they talk about me when I'm not listening. How do I really influence their lives. Augustus Waters pre-funeral idea is so amazing. So as Tado's Bio-Eulogy.

But where do really souls go? Where is Dhie now? My granny? Ervien? I wonder if they're really watching me. With all my bad habits and "kalokohan", I should really be embarrassed by then.

Yet, I believe in God. When I die, I would like my eyes to be donated. They're pretty anyway, even with the mild astigmatism. Next, I want my body to be burned and turned into ashes - like Icarus or the phoenix. And have it mixed with wine for my loved ones to drink. Hahaha. I got this idea from Johnny Depp.

My head hurts. But my ideas are overflowing. And it sucks.

How do the people around me deal with it when I'm gone? Will they cry? Or will they easily move on? But life is supposed to go on... Even without the people who ever mattered to us. Even without me.

Everyday, I want to see the good in life. The positive in every negative. But the world is changing. It is already turning into hell. People destroy nature. People hail technology. People hurt each other. People kill people without hesitation. That's why I don't want to live in this place anymore. That's why sometimes.. I think it's okay to die.

And I realized this is why I became a teacher. To make a difference while I live. To touch the hearts and the minds of children. And yet, I don't know how to start... I don't want to teach them what are in the books. I don't want them to memorize terms. I want them to experience life and be prepared for it. But until this day that goal is a failure. I pray that God give me wisdom so I could make it possible.

Ervien once asked me, "What's your purpose?" I answered him with hesitation.. "I am always thinking about that. And I'm not sure yet. I haven't figured it out that yet." Ervien replied, "You just need to simply walk with God."

I have a loving family.. I have a cool job. I have caring and trustworthy friends. I have a loyal boyfriend... I have a good life. I know.. I am blessed. And I am truly grateful.

I just pray to God that when I already need to meet Him.. He'll be holding my hand.

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Since you read this even with my warning...

I'll haunt you for the rest of your life~

Just Kidding! I'm not even dead yet. Wait, until I am. ^-^