Mixed Girl Problems

S I S

I'm an artist. I express myself through paint, hair, clothes, and makeup. I am an artist. I express myself through yelling, crying, smiling, laughing and screaming. I am an artist. I see the beauty in every single thing, I see the ugliness in the most beautiful also. I refuse to be blind to the obvious, I refuse to be surprised at the unexpected because I expected it in an unknowing yet knowing way. I am an artist. My mind can be captured in glimpses of the things I say and the walls I paint on. You can trap my body in a box but you cannot trap my soul, forever I will think therefore forever I will create.

I laid in bed peacefully before my phone rang, I tried to ignore it but the person just kept calling. I finally got up and answered it.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Can I come over? Mommy nut ass nigga acting like he gonna put his hands on me again!"

I didn't  know if it was okay with DeAndre's  mom, but I didn't have a choice but to tell her to come here. I refuse to let my sister be somewhere that she feels unsafe. 

I laid blankets and pillows on the floor as my sister sat in the living room looking around.

"Why there aint no furniture in here?" She asked. I chuckled and shrugged.

"All I know is that we got furniture in our room so I could care less."

"Yoooo Mommy really tripping! She really choosing a nigga over her children that shit is a disgrace." 

I know part of what she said was true, I also knew on the other hand that my mom loves her she's just... Flawed.

"Just get some sleep we'll talk in the morning."

A part of me kept wondering what was going through her head, shit I know love is blind but you can't be that fucking blind. If your child is crying out for help you listen, never turn against them. My sister is young and misunderstood and her mouth is hectic but she has a reason to be angry. It seems like nothing has ever gone right for us growing up, we weren't really close. We used to get into fist fights but I have also fought for her. There is nothing that I wouldn't do to protect my sisters no matter what terms we're on.

The next day DeAndre's mom approved of my younger sister staying for a couple of weeks and she agreed to help her get to work. I couldn't help but find myself disconnected with DeAndre in more ways than one. I felt so much resentment towards him. We've been arguing non-stop even while my sister was around, one time it even almost turned physical.

"Aren't you pregnant? Why y'all always arguing?! That nigga gonna make you have a miscarriage stressing you out like this! If he cheating, he cheating leave his ass alone and worry about your child." My sister said as smoking a blunt.

A tear rolled down my cheek, I couldn't help but know she was right. As much as it hurt, she was right.

"I don't get why the fuck you're acting like this?! Where did this come from?!" I yelled.

"I just don't love you anymore! But trust and believe I will be there for my child!" DeAndre yelled back before walking out and slamming the door behind him. I bursted out into tears and his mom came into our room and rubbed my arm trying to comfort me.

"He doesn't mean it, he's just scared." She said softly.

"I don't get it." I cried. "Why is he putting me through all of this?"

I've heard of this situation so many times before, the guy doesn't want his child's mother anymore but insist he'll still be there for his child. Shouldn't it be comforting that he still wants to be in his child's life? It is, but then again it isn't. I will be stuck with the person who doesn't love me for the rest of my life. The same man who laid down and made love to me time and time again and made this child with me. The same man who I've been through hell with and we still found our way back to each other. And then to find out that the same man who made me the happiest girl in the world at one point doesn't want me anymore fucking hurts. How can I be around him knowing that we have a child together, along with all these memories and meanwhile he's making love to another woman and creating a family and a life with someone else? How does anyone deal with that?