Mixed Girl Problems

A S M I L E

I've never been good with men, boys, guys, whatever the fuck you wanna call them. I never met my dad, not even once when I was born or a baby. I sometimes wonder if he even knows about me; knowing my mom, he doesn't. At the same time, if he does know about me I could care less about him mainly because of the fact that if he had the audacity to leave his own flesh and blood, why should I care for him? It's easier to write these words because i've never met him a day in my life. I don't have a memory of him to hold onto. 

But, I did have one healthy and positive male figure in my life and that was my god dad. And at the time he was also with my auntie for over 11 years, but once those years were up I barely saw or talked to him ever again. See, growing up as a mixed child in an all white family, you almost don't know what black culture is at all. He was the one who brought R&B and rappers like Biggie Smalls and Tupac into my life. He'd do my hair a lot because my mom never knew how to deal with my nappy curls. He truly made me a diverse and unique person and I love him for that. If you ever read this GodDad, shout out to you.

I sat next to Elle as she slept peacefully in an hospital bed. I looked over at Persuasion also sleeping peacefully in a chair. I tried so hard to fall asleep but I couldn't, it's hard for me to sleep in public places, even in a car. I walked into the waiting room lightly slapping my phone on the palm of my hand. I wanted to talk to DeAndre so badly, he always helped me through rough times like this. I felt selfish for wanting to hear his voice after everything I put him through. It's now 3am, he's probably not even awake. If I call and get no answer It'll look stupid when he realizes he had a missed call from me in the morning..... OR what do I even say if he does pick up? Hi?

Persuasion then sat next to me as yawning and rubbing her eyes. 

"My mom's gonna be pisseddddd" She mumbled.

"Why would Mommy be pissed?"

"She doesn't even know that I left honestly"

"Oh my gosh, I don't wanna get you in trouble."

"I'll be fine, don't worry... Why are you calling DeAndre?" She asked as rubbing her eyes.

"Oh shit!" I yelped realizing I must've called him by accident.

"Hello? Hello? Niyah?" I heard his tired deep voice through the phone say.

"Answer him!" Persuasion mouthed to me before standing up.

"Um, hi?" I replied not knowing what to say.

"You cool?" He asked.

"I am, Elle isn't."

"Why, what happened to our lil sis."

We then talked all night about how everything's been going. He's off house arrest, has a new job and has been taking care of his mom all on his own. His life is better off without me, I don't want to put myself back into it.

"So... I have a question to ask you." I said as I realized the sun was coming up.

"Ight, wassup?" He asked.

"Have you ever ... You know, forgiven me?"

"Of course I have, even though you aint really say sorry." 

"So why'd you do it?"

"Because I did love you, even after what you did. But I put you through worse and you forgave me for everything time after time. It was only right."

"Well, I'm sorry DeAndre."

"I forgive you, Niyah."

A smile grew across my face and I couldn't help but feel relieved.

"I gotta go to work soon so I'll text you." He said breaking the silence.

"Ok, Bye I love yo-" I quickly caught myself before I said it. I'm so used to saying it to him before we hang up.

"I love you too."