Mixed Girl Problems

H E A R T ' S D E S I R E

I've been home for over a week now, nothing is the same. All my days consist of is sleep and a flood of questions from my family. Where have I been? What have I been doing? Have I been going to school? Am I still a senior? Am I okay? No, I'm not okay. And I don't think I ever will be. 

But... Today's the day I try to get together. Today's the day I try to turn my life around and forget about the past. There's no turning back time, and there's no taking back the fact that I hurt DeAndre and everyone around me so deeply but I can try and I will try. 

I looked over at Layla and Rose as sitting in class. There's so much shit on my mind I can barely focus. I can't focus. 

"So, you wanna try to catch up on your online classes after school?" Layla asked.

"Eh, I can do it on my mom's laptop." I replied.

"You sure? I could help" 

"I'm sure."

I could see the disappointment building in her eyes. She knows I'm going to fail, she knows I'm not going to be walking and getting my diploma with her and Rose. Everyone knows it just as much as I do. I've given up on school but in a way I keep trying. I don't want to let myself down, even if that means another year of school. But at the same time I keep asking myself what if I'm still in this hopeless place that I'm in now another year? How will I get through another year of this?

Eventually I got sick of sitting in school and walked out. I swung on the swings at a small park around the corner from my house; I didn't want to go home.

"Niyah?" Carlos asked.

"Carlos?" I replied.

"Why you aint in school?"

I rolled my eyes. "Please don't ask me about school."

"What you been up to? I ain't see you in a minute." 

I shrugged as he sat down on the swing next to me. "I don't know, shit been hectic I guess."

"Oh... Let's go somewhere." He replied

"Where?" I asked as chuckling.

"Anywhere."

We walked to the corner store and bought some pineapple wraps to smoke some weed with. We went back to the park and swung on the swings as smoking weed. I felt so lifted and free. We then went back to Carlos's house.

"Mami, this my friend Niyah." Carlos said introducing me to his mom as she cooked.

She then said something to him in spanish that I didn't understand. He replied in spanish and I stood confused.

"Leave the fucking door open we don't need anymore babies!" His mom yelled.

"Okay mami, Come on let's go." He said to me signaling me to follow him.

"It was nice meeting you." I said softly to his mom.

"Yeah, sure."  She replied.

I followed behind Carlos up into his room. He closed his door leaving it open a crack. 

"You tryna fuck?" He asked. I gasped. "I'm just kidding."

He plopped down onto his bed and I sat down next to him. He softly kissed my lips and I pulled away.

"Carlos." I whispered.

"My bad." He replied.

I got up and began to look at the photos hanging on his wall.

"That's me and my Papi." He said as chuckling.

"He looks just like you." I replied.

"Everyone says that."