Interesting (AfterDeath)

Chapter 56

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Geno P.O.V

Things went steadily downhill from there.

Reaper was away more often than ever. I barely saw him.

He was the one and only person who kept me going. Just talking to him made me feel better, made me feel as if I could be okay.  Now, though, talking to him was a rare occasion that occurred on times few and far between.

It was killing me, tearing me apart from the inside out, and it hurt. It hurt so much, so much that I could barely breathe.

The things that I needed to do, the things that stopped me from ending it all, were becoming lesser.

I had done the biggest one.

I had told Error what had happened with Mum.

He needed to know. He needed to know that our mother was dead. I was awful for not telling him sooner, for not telling him when it had happened.

When I had told him, he had choked out a horrified sob, staring at me wide-eyed.  His body had turned shaky, tears brimming at his blank eyes, but not spilling over.

I was hopeless.  I couldn't even bring him into a hug.  That would only make everything worse, as his haphephobia had worsened to the degree where even Gradient couldn't touch him without Error having a panic attack and passing out.

And so, I could only whisper a hoarse 'I'm so sorry,' as I took a blanket, wrapping it around his shoulders as he started to sob, guiding him to the couch where he curled up, sobbing to himself.  I had tried to comfort him, but couldn't, not really, not when I couldn't touch him. 

So, I just sat there with my brother, crying with him, my arms wrapped around the thick blanket that was wrapped around him, holding him, but at the same time not as he sobbed brokenly, whispering about how everyone was dying around him and he couldn't stop it, that he was hopeless.

I couldn't tell him that it was only a matter of time before I ended it all as well.

I couldn't tell him that I wanted to leave, too; that I wanted to die, too.

I couldn't tell him that more often than sometimes, I found myself with a blade pressed to my scar-covered arm, cutting until my emotions slipped away, even if the relief was only temporary.

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I sighed hopelessly as I curled in on myself beneath the covers of our bed, and I barely had the strength to do that.

The last time that I had seen Reaper was three weeks ago, when he had promised to make his long absences up to me, when he had told me that he would be back as soon as he possibly could, when he had kissed me, then left with a soft, reassuring smile as I struggled to hide the pain in my eyes.

Three weeks.

21 days.

I was starting to doubt that he was ever coming back.

'Why would he come back..? It's not as if I mean anything to him. It's not as if I mean anything to anyone.'

I couldn't help but slump further at the thought. It was true. I didn't mean anything.

'I'm worthless.'

I shivered as I drew my knees up to my chest, wrapping my arms around myself shakily, wincing as I did so.

Beneath the bandages that I had wound around my arms, my skin wasn't visible through all the dried blood and cuts.  I was barely able to move because of how weak I was, because of how much blood I had lost, barely able to see past the visions of Reaper hating me and never coming back.

I looked dead.  I wanted to be dead.  My skin was much too pale because of blood loss, and my eyes had dark bags beneath them because of sleep deprivation.

And I was cold.  So cold.  Even the blankets I was curled beneath were cold.  I didn't even have enough body heat to warm the damn blankets.

I was barely sentient, barely existing.

Still, my body didn't even have the energy to walk to the kitchen and grab a knife.  I lacked the physical strength to end it all.

I couldn't bring myself to stand, and so I just laid there, waiting for my weakened body to finally succumb to the sweet relief of death.

I laid there, curled into a tight ball, wondering if Reaper had ever really cared for me, wondering if he had ever really loved me, wondering if this was what he had planned to do from the start, abandoning me after getting me so attached to him that I could barely breathe when he wasn't with me.

'How could I have ever been so stupid as to think that he might actually love something like me..?'

I laid there, feeling as if I was being ripped apart from the inside, feeling completely and absolutely lost without him.

I laid there, waiting, wanting, but nobody came, nobody cared.

'Not that they should care.  I'm not someone worth caring for.'

I inhaled shakily, letting air flood my lungs, curling into myself more tightly, wishing that I could just disappear, melt away from reality.

'Maybe if I go to sleep, I won't wake up,' I thought dully, managing a small smile at the thought. 

'Maybe I can finally leave, and rid the world of another problem.'

'Maybe I can finally die and put myself out of my misery.'

The small smile grew ever so slightly at the possibility of finally escaping as I started shivering more, growing colder now, my thoughts becoming distant, dull.

'I love you, Reaps.'

Finally, I let myself close my eyes, I let myself rest, hoping that it would be the last time I would have to do so, begging to any God existing that I would finally get the break that I had wanted for the longest while, begging that I would finally be allowed some form of escape.

And then I let go.

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.-.