Serendipitous (Gawsten)

24. Supplicate

Awsten tried to hide in the large sweater he was drowning in, he was curled next to Geoff on his bed, head resting against his chest as he listened to the older boy's heart that beat in a constant rhythm.

He wasn't embarrassed, just shy, he wanted cuddles, he felt so soft. Geoff always made him feel soft. Did he make Geoff feel soft?

They were sitting under a warm blanket in the dark, three candles were lit in Geoff's room, it was only enough to make their skin glow very faintly. Awsten kept an eye on Geoff's laptop screen that was sitting on the older boy's lap as shitty music videos played, Awsten could see in the faint reflection of the glass screen that Geoff was looking at him instead. "Stop doing that."

"Stop doing what?"

"I don't know, that. Looking at me like you love me or something."

Geoff scoffed but looked back towards the laptop screen as some wannabe-emo chick from 2006 attempted to scream. Awsten had said his previous statement as a joke, although he really did hope that there was some level of mutual attraction there, he couldn't understand how somebody, especially somebody like Geoff, could ever be attracted to someone like him.

Awsten had now moved his focus to the constant flicker of one of the lit candles from across the room, he'd never really liked candles before, but he started to realise that they were so cute. "What colour are your candles, Geoffy?"

"Hmm? Oh- they're pink," He smiled, Awsten knew that pink made Geoff happy, he wasn't sure how he didn't put that together yet. "Uh... it's my favourite colour," his cheeks flushed darker, Awsten wondered if Geoff's blush was pink. He hoped it was. Maybe he'd never seen it, but it seemed that pink was quickly becoming his happy colour, as well.

"Mine, too."

Geoff didn't question it, maybe he'd just let Awsten pretend for a little while, or maybe he understood that the younger boy was starting to know what pink felt like, like a second coating of emotion, a new film that saturated his brain instead of his eyes.

Geoff had shut the lid of his laptop and put it down on the floor next to his bed, maybe Geoff was sick of all of the screeching? Awsten liked to laugh at it. "What are you doing?"

"Can I kiss you, Babydoll?"

It wasn't exactly what he was expecting, although he responded embarrassingly fast. "Yes, please." Awsten felt every small moment leading up to when Geoff softly connected their lips, he never wanted them to separate again.

He liked it when Geoff threaded his fingers through his blonde hair, the gentle tugging at the strands made his heart flutter, he couldn't understand why. They'd already found their rhythm, Awsten wanted to keep tempo forever, maybe make a song out of it.

Awsten's heartbeat quickened to a dangerous pace although it felt as if it had completely ceased, like his heart had just stopped contracting, maybe it had. He was laying mostly on top of Geoff as the pair immediately broke apart their lips, Awsten could clearly see that Geoff was just as terrified as he was right now.

It was definitely a knock they heard on the bedroom door, and before either of them could process the situation and cover it up, the door was already opened.

Everything blurred. He was completely frozen, paralysed, his brain had completely broken off contact with the rest of his muscles. He felt Geoff push him off of his chest as the older boy ran after his sister who was now walking angrily back up the staircase.

Awsten kept his eyes straight ahead of him. He couldn't move them either, his body was falling into shock, they had just been caught; not only was he caught in Geoff's bedroom, but they had been caught making-out.

He wasn't shaking this time, it was his vision that was the first thing to disappear. Are you seriously having a fucking panic attack right now? The voice in his head hadn't visited him in a couple of days. He could hear Geoff yelling with his sister above him, he wished he could go up and help; he didn't know what it was they were screaming about.

Geoff sounded upset. It wasn't as if Awsten could understand what they were fighting about, his ears were hearing the sounds but were keeping their meanings to themselves, like they were trying to hide some sort of big secret from him.

It was probably about him. The whole argument was probably about the fact that Geoff was keeping Awsten hidden in his room when his parents had been 'so worried'. Unless it wasn't, and this was about Geoff being gay. Was he gay? Awsten wasn't even sure, that wasn't his priority right now.

His fingers had gone numb, his body decided to cut off his oxygen supply as his throat closed over. The only current confirmation he had that he wasn't passing into the afterlife was the constant drone of his overdramatic heartbeat that he could feel in the base of his throat.

He could hear how upset Geoff was. He made Geoff sad. If he hadn't come here in the first place then Geoff wouldn't be sad, he wouldn't be fighting with his sister, he would be safe. Awsten was so bad for him. Awsten should never have come.

Was Sarah going to tell Geoff's parents? Awsten thought that Geoff's dad was home, what if he already knew? Awsten didn't want to go home. He didn't want to go home, back to feeling unsafe, back to the locked door, away from Geoff. Maybe it was a good sacrifice, he was making Geoff unsafe, Awsten didn't want Geoff to get hurt.

Geoff looked after Awsten when he was hurt. He made him feel soft while he looked after him. Awsten wanted to look after Geoff but he was too selfish to not blackout, he was too selfish, you're so selfish.

I'm so selfish.

Awsten didn't want to go home. He didn't want to go home. He didn't want to.

I don't want to.