Serendipitous (Gawsten)

31. Stressed

He couldn't believe this. "How long have they been together? How fucking long?"

"Awsten... I don't-"

"Answer the fucking question!" He was yelling loud, the tone of his voice sounded like he was ready to kill somebody.

"Three years- since h-he was eighteen." Her voice sounded so small, she was so scared, Awsten would never do something to hurt her but his whole world was collapsing; he truly believed that it already had. He was wrong.

"Fuck."

"Awsten, I-"

"Stop! Stop saying my fucking name every time you want to talk to me!" He slammed the palm of his hand down on his steering wheel, if he wasn't so weak and thin he probably would have broken it.

"Can you p-please calm down?" She was pressed as far away from Awsten as she could into her seat, it wasn't hard to tell that she was absolutely terrified of him, his mind was preoccupied though.

"C-calm down? He fucking betrayed me, Gracie. I fucking hurt. I probably would have had sex with him if he asked- fuck." The tears stung his eyes as he failed to process everything, at least some things were starting to make a little bit more sense in his head.

"He needs you... lets just go in, find out how he's going, okay?" She sounded a lot calmer than she probably was, he wanted her to be really upset, Geoff had just tried to kill himself.

"I don't care. I don't want to see him or hear about how he is. I don't care."

"Awsten, please-"

"He's not going to wake up, Gracie. I'm going to make fucking sure of it." He spat, he wanted to believe it, he wanted to be able to hate Geoff but he knew he couldn't, he never would.

"Please, don't say that."

"I never want to see him again. I hope he doesn't wake up so I never have to see him again. This is what he wanted, right? He wanted to die. If anything, I'm just doing him a favour."

Gracie wasn't sure how to feel, she blankly looked over at her older brother who had started to break down, completely collapsing onto himself as he let out loose sobs. He was so broken.

"I love him."

He whispered it hoarsely to himself, he laughed a little behind his tears, he had never said it aloud before.

"I love him so f-fucking much and he w-wanted to leave me." Awsten was gone, he had completely broken out in tears and was resting his head against the steering wheel as he sobbed, he didn't have the energy to hold himself up anymore. "I wish I hated him."

"He needs you to love him right now." She didn't know what to do, Awsten was clearly not in the right state of mind to be going to see the boy who had made him this way in the first place. "Do you think you can do that?"

He didn't respond, he could barely get any more words out from how hard he was crying. Everything hurt, his eyes hurt, his throat hurt, his heart was fucking shattered.

"Sarah needs me, too. I think we should go inside." Gracie had put her hand his back and was rubbing small circles into it, it comforted him, although he really didn't want to go into the hospital.

"No," he sobbed, "no, I won't." He couldn't bring himself to be around anyone right now, he was even embarrassed around Gracie. "Are you mad at me b-because I kissed Geoff or because I-I'm gay? I was going to tell you, I-"

"It's okay, Awsie. I'm not mad, it's okay." He wasn't sure if he believed her, she sounded so flat, it was probably exhaustion but it might have been envy, he really hoped that she wasn't upset with him. He was pretty sure that she was all that he had left, he could not lose her, too.

He sat up and brushed his fingers across his cheeks to catch the tears, his face was sticky with half-dried tear tracks. "I think I'm ready," he quickly nodded, he definitely was not ready although he was supposed to be here for Gracie. He had to act like her older brother for once.

"Only if you're sure, Aws." He tried to ignore her saying his name every time that she spoke to him, it was something she did when she was worried or taking care of him.

"Y-yeah," a few more tears fell, he couldn't even get a word out without falling to pieces. "Why d-don't you go see S-Sarah? she needs you... I'll meet you th-there in a bit."

She smiled sadly before quickly shaking her head no. "You need me, too. I'm not going to leave you here all by yourself."

"Thank you," he inhaled deeply before pushing the air back out again. "Fuck- okay, let's go." He opened his door and pulled himself out, he had to hold onto the car at first so that his fragile legs wouldn't buckle underneath his shaking body.

He couldn't stall any longer. He knew that, he wasn't even sure what it was that he was dreading, Geoff was in a fucking coma and he probably wouldn't even be allowed to see him. It wasn't as if he wanted to see him anyway. "Are you okay, Awsie?"

He quickly nodded as he steadied himself, "yeah, I'm good." He took another deep breath before they started to walk in silence, he didn't even know what to say to her right now.