He wasn't sure how much longer he could wait to be able to see Geoff. He also wasn't sure whether he'd want to hug him and never let go or if he'd yell and scream and cry at him because he was just so broken.
He would probably do neither, he was a coward after all, he probably wouldn't even be able to drag himself into Geoff's room without freaking out; he would just bail, despite having waited here for five hours already, forced to listen to the sobs and sniffles of all of the infected people who were in the waiting room, as well.
Not like it mattered, anyway, Awsten was only here for Gracie, who was here for Sarah. Geoff was just an afterthought, there was absolutely no reason to even go see him, the only reason that Awsten had even bothered to stay was for his sister who had been asleep for the past two hours on his shoulder.
He was staring at the wall in front of him, he was tired but he didn't want to sleep, the feeling of Gracie's timed breathing was almost hypnotic, though; he could feel himself forcing his eyes open and failing with each tick of the droning clock that was mounted on the white wall above him.
Luckily, there were occasional updates from medical professionals that would make him zone back into reality although his brain didn't quite process the information when it was half asleep; his knowledge on exactly what was happening was very fuzzy.
Geoff was going to be okay. He knew that, at least. The doctors originally thought that it was the overdose on his old Valium prescription that had almost killed him although it was probably from the multiple empty bottles of alcohol that Geoff's parents had found in his bedroom, earlier.
Maybe it was intentional, maybe it wasn't. Awsten was pretty sure he knew, though; Geoff didn't like to drink.
He couldn't let himself think anymore. His mind kept drifting back to Geoff, back to why he wanted to die, back to the girlfriend that he apparently had, how that meant that Awsten wasn't his boyfriend. Did that mean that he was jealous or envious?
Envy. Geoff wasn't his, Geoff was hers. His icy blue eyes, soft smile, the way he always tasted like strawberries or cigarettes, everything that had made Awsten feel pink; that was all hers.
Maybe she was nice, he wouldn't know, she wasn't here which wasn't entirely fair since Awsten had been, for hours, at that. He hoped that just maybe, she was rude or controlling, not like it mattered anyway; Awsten was as bad as it got. He was second best. He probably wasn't even that.
He could feel Gracie flinch a little bit while she slept, the pressure of her resting on Awsten's shoulder had made it numb although he didn't really mind, she needed to sleep, especially since he knew that she probably was not going to let herself miss any class today, it was already past three in the morning.
Sarah was also asleep in the chair next to Gracie, Geoff's parents were with him right now. He was awake, he had been for over an hour although visitation was restricted to family only, part of him was thankful although it gave him the time to get worked up about having to see the older boy, eventually.
He couldn't figure out why his brain was trying to convince him to start having a panic attack again, come on, Awsten, you know you're going to fuck something up, as usual. Luckily, he was much too tired to be listening to the voices, let alone drain all of his energy by initiating a rush of panic over an inevitable decision.
He could feel a slight shake in his fingers, it would come and go, dictated in parallel to his thoughts as they circulated through his head. He reached into the pocket of his black jeans before his fingertips were briefly met with a cold metal article, pulling the safety pin from his pocket before starting to fiddle with it.
He wasn't sure why this helped him calm down, much like how he did not understand why he found so much comfort in obsessing over Geoff, wearing the same clothes, acting the same way; he was trying to become him. Now he just needed a suicide attempt, it couldn't be that hard.
He really did want to smoke a cigarette, that was a good stress reliever, too; if Gracie hadn't fallen asleep on top of him, he probably would have managed to consume an entire pack by now.
It almost happened right on cue, he felt the pressure release off of his shoulder as she lifted her head up a little bit, accompanied by a soft groan before rubbing her eyes. He knew that it was only going to take a few seconds before Gracie realised where she was and started to freak out.
"What... oh- what's happened? D-did I really fall asleep?" she sounded flat, squinting her eyes, he couldn't blame her; being immediately met with sterile lights after waking up was not the most pleasant experience.
"He woke up about an hour ago, he's okay. Its half-three in the morning," he added the last part because he knew that she would ask, it earned him a lazy nod before she rested her head back on his shoulder; he didn't understand how it could be comfortable, it was very boney. "Hopefully, we'll be able to go in to see him, soon- so that we c-can leave soon, so you- we, can get a bit of rest at home," he was starting to get nervous, his fingers moving quickly around the small safety pin.
Gracie had managed to wake herself up completely within a few minutes, she already seemed to have a clearer idea on what was going on than Awsten did. "I know you want to see him," she yawned a little, "I hope you can figure things out with him... I really do think that he likes you, at least as somebody that he can trust."
He scoffed in response, Geoff didn't care about him, he'd deeply forced Awsten into getting a glimpse, just a taste, of pink before slowly, painfully, taking it all away from him again; like picking fathomlessly at a scab until it stops trying to heal.
YOU ARE READING
Serendipitous (Gawsten)
Fanfiction[COMPLETED] An apathetic boy with colourblindness and too many problems serendipitously meets a boy who may be able to help him feel all of the colours he'd never seen.
