Serendipitous (Gawsten)

27. Seventeen

Awsten: seventeen missed calls.

He'd called Geoff every night for the last seventeen days.

He'd wanted to tell Geoff about how much he missed him, how much he'd been thinking about him. Of course, if Geoff had even bothered to pick up the phone, Awsten didn't think that he would have said anything like that. He wasn't sure exactly what he'd say, he just wanted to hear his voice again.

Every night, he'd gotten hopeful that Geoff was going to pick up his phone, Awsten already knew that he wouldn't, although he was naïve enough to sit and anxiously wait for the sound of Geoff's soft voice. Instead, he was met with the sound of a dial tone as his heart shattered in his chest, every night for the last seventeen days.

Maybe he would have told him about how every single night he'd managed to get hurt somewhere new, his bruises were creating purple constellations on his small frame. Maybe he would have told him how badly he wanted Geoff to kiss them better.

Maybe he would have told him how he hadn't felt pink at all over the last seventeen days, how he only had ever experienced feeling pink for the two days he'd spent alone with the older boy, thank him for letting him feel pink for the first and only time in his life.

He'd ask why Sarah got so mad. Nothing was making sense from what Geoff had told him, either Geoff was lying, or Awsten was just too oblivious to piece together the situation. The latter was the most likely.

He started to cry, at least he could now say that he'd also cried alone in his bedroom every night for the last seventeen days. He sobbed into his pillow while he was curled up on his bed, why did he let himself get so attached to somebody in such a short period of time? He should have known better.

Awsten needed to feel something. He'd never wanted to leave scars on his body, he needed an escape from his thoughts that didn't involve thin pieces of metal. He'd resorted to burning himself in his shower, ever since the first time he did it, he became absolutely hooked on the sensation of his skin reacting to the temperature.

Burning showers was something he could add to the list of things he'd done every day for the last seventeen days; sleeping and eating, however, were not. He'd done both briefly, otherwise, he'd be dead, that thought made him wish that maybe he hadn't done either of those things.

Awsten didn't realise that it would be so hard to cope with his everyday life after getting a brief taste of something so good, so genuine; happiness. He hadn't felt that in years, now it was gone again, for good.

It was a Wednesday night, he'd just made the seventeenth phone call, listening to the dial tone after Geoff let his call ring out. He didn't even have his own voicemail, it was automated, so Awsten couldn't even hear his voice if he wanted to. He really wanted to.

He had left voicemails for the first nine days, after that, he decided that it was pointless. He knew that he was probably annoying Geoff, clearly, he didn't want to talk to him, what if he'd blocked Awsten's number? He just did not understand.

His tears started to subside as he could feel his eyelids getting heavy, he tried to fight off the sleep, he didn't want it. He couldn't open his eyes, though, and sure enough, he started to go to sleep for the first time in three days.

Maybe he wouldn't get sleep paralysis again tonight, it was all just a guessing game, sitting and waiting for the worst to see if it would ever actually come. It did.

He woke in a panic as his entire body was disconnected from him, he wanted to cry, to scream, he couldn't move and he was terrified. This had been happening recently, some nights he'd see his demons, other nights he wouldn't.

He tried to pull himself up and run away from the silhouette that was approaching the end of his bed, it looked like it did every night; it had no face, but from the build and the crushing feeling Awsten had in his chest, it was easy to tell that it resembled his own father.

He trashed around inside his body as his physical form stayed completely still, he was going to die and right now that really fucking scared him. All of the things he wanted to yell at the shadow were pulsating through his head but it just wasn't connecting to his throat, he couldn't do anything but watch himself as the silhouette taunted him from the edge of his bed.

It had eyes, at least, glowing red. Awsten had never seen red before, but right now he could and it terrified him, it was impossible.

He quickly sat up, startled, he was breathing heavily and shaking hard, when he glanced back to the end of his bed, he could see the figure anymore, he couldn't see the red of its eyes either.

He started to cry, muffling his sobs with the back of his shaky hand. He was so scared, he couldn't stop crying, the tears kept pouring down his face as he tightly shut his eyes to try to block out everything, his room was so dark and he was just so terrified.

Maybe he'd tell him that he just wanted to be held again. It didn't even have to be in a romantic way, he just felt so protected when he was with Geoff, he just wanted to feel that affection again.

He would tell Geoff that he was his safety pin.