Serendipitous (Gawsten)

73. Soliloquy

He held himself together, though. He didn't start to cry or lash out. He just sat, silently, holding Awsten who was now lightly asleep against his chest. Awsten, who thankfully, was finally fucking warm.

Geoff wasn't going to bring it up yet, though. He wasn't even sure if Awsten knew what was happening to his body, but that conversation could wait for another time. Awsten wasn't ready for that yet, this day was already going to be stressful enough for the small boy.

They had to go home, back to Geoff's, which they both knew could end up with the older boy's parents telling the Knights where their son was. Awsten wouldn't be safe anymore. Awsten would die on his own.

He didn't want to let go of the fragile boy. His heart could stop beating at any point in time. He didn't want to know whether this would the last time that he'd ever be able to hold the small boy.

The small boy. He was way too fucking small. He wasn't eating. He was dying because he wasn't eating. There was nothing left to convince his body to keep working.

And he was dying.

Because he wasn't eating.

Geoff's head wasn't making sense to him anymore. Like a warped vinyl that just kept spinning and jumping and nothing made sense because it was just so out of shape.

Geoff just wanted him to eat. Just a little bit. But he was asleep, and the older boy couldn't figure out whether that was good or bad. It was a guessing game, at this point. "Baby," Geoff ran his hand up and down the small boy's arm in an attempt to get him to wake. "Baby boy."

Awsten groaned a little bit, burying his face further into the older boy's shirt. Geoff sighed, rubbing at Awsten's arm with a bit more pressure.

"C'mon, bub. Are you awake?"

"No," Awsten huffed, keeping his eyes closed tightly. His hands were clutching to Geoff's shirt like a lifeline, refusing to let go.

"Are you hungry?"

"No."

"I'll give you a cigarette if you eat."

Awsten's attention seemed to come back into focus again. fuck, he wanted a cigarette. All things considered, Geoff hadn't really given him many while they had been away. Two a day. He contemplated it for a moment, the smoke, then the food, then quick sob hitched in his throat and he quickly buried his face back into his boyfriend's clothed chest. "Don't wanna eat, Geoff! I don't want to!"

The older boy sighed. "Okay, Aws. I'm sorry. I'm not gonna make you, okay?" He closed his eyes and wallowed in defeat for a moment. Awsten was dying. He wasn't helping his boyfriend. Awsten was still dying. And Geoff didn't push for him to eat, at all! Awsten is dying!

"Okay."

He wished he would. Surely it was uncomfortable to not eat all the time, right? He'd have to be hungry. Maybe Geoff was ignorant, but he really did not fucking understand why Awsten was doing this to himself. But he was.

He fought the urge to change his mind. Make Awsten eat, even though he said he wouldn't, because- that's right. "Aws, love... I think it's time to go."

Awsten pretended to sleep again. He wasn't going to go. He was so damn indecisive and nothing made sense. He didn't want to go.

Maybe it would be okay if Geoff was there, though. Maybe Geoff would keep him safe. The older boy promised, but Awsten knew that it wasn't genuine. There was no way that Geoff could tell whether the small boy would be kept safe or not.

"Come on, I know that you're awake."

Awsten shook his head again. "I'm not awake! Let me sleep!" He forced his eyelids closed tightly and began to whisper indistinguishably into Geoff's chest, only to himself. "It's going to be okay. It's going to be fine. You're going to be fine, Awsten. It's going to be okay."

Dad's going to kick the shit out of you. He's going to make you bleed and bleed until you're nearly dead but you won't be that lucky. You'll be awake until he feels like doing it again. That sounds fun, right? Yeah, it does. Stop being such a coward. Such a scared, pathetic, little boy. Geoff could never love someone like that.

"Stop!" Awsten yelled out, gripping at his hair. Geoff jumped slightly from being startled, immediately letting Awsten out from his grip. "Stop." He was crying again. He always cried. He was just a scared, pathetic, little boy.

"Aws, what the fuck- did I do something? I'm sorry," Geoff stumbled over his words as he cautiously and worriedly stared at the smaller boy who was pulling on his long strands of blonde hair.

"He won't leave me alone," Awsten choked out, his hands falling into his lap, bringing one of them up again to wipe the tear tracks off of his stinging face. "The voice. He won't leave me alone."

He sounded crazy. He knew that he wasn't. He wasn't crazy.

"What voice, Awsten? Is it in your head, sweetheart?"

"M-My voice," Awsten stuttered out. "It's mine. T-Thoughts."

"What's it saying?"

"The truth."