Serendipitous (Gawsten)

89. Sobbing

He had tears sticking to his face as he panted harshly, refusing to turn around and make eye contact with the boy who had come down to check on him.

"Go back upstairs, Geoff. Please."

He should have known that this was a stupid idea, he shouldn't have done so much that he had chosen to do, tonight. He shouldn't have eaten so much, he shouldn't have made himself eat more than he was comfortable with, he shouldn't have waited so long to make the decision, and he shouldn't have decided at a bad time. He should have found a better opportunity.

"Sweetheart... no-"

"-Please. I don't want you down here, r-right now. I want to be alone. Please, just l-let me be alone."

His voice cracked slightly as he pleaded, needing to bite down onto the inside of his bottom lip to keep himself from breaking down, in front of Geoff.

"Don't make me leave you-"

"Please."

Geoff stood in the doorway of the bathroom as he stared, worriedly, at the boy who seemed almost lifeless on his knees. He nodded while trying to keep himself from crying, almost as much as Awsten was, swallowing it down. He knew that the boy couldn't see him though, so he voiced his decision. "I'll, uh... I'll be in our room. Don't hurt yourself. Promise me that."

"Promise," Awsten whispered, closing his eyes tightly, listening to Geoff softly shut the bathroom door as he left the boy to be by himself. He started to let out the tears that he'd been holding in the whole time, hoping that he could hurry up and feel better already. He kept quiet, since Geoff had only gone to the bedroom across the corridor, but at least he was alone.

His tears, when they fell, didn't spill evenly down his face until they made their way down his neck and into the material of his clothing. Instead, they dripped straight down onto the cold floor without the need to blink them out since they had been waiting, desperately, to slither their way out, and now that they could, they were going to take advantage of that.

He bit down onto his sleeve as he tried to muffle the whimpers that were being pushed out by sobs and little involuntary movements in his body that were constantly reminding him that you're in pain, Awsten, you should be upset, you should feel helpless. It's your fault, anyway. You fucked up this relationship and yourself. Not him.

He let himself wallow in guilt for a little while longer until reaching the peak in which he deemed that his self-pity had become tedious, and he should stop acting upon recreant behaviours and just suck it up. Maybe Geoff was willing to talk things out. Maybe Awsten was willing to get medical help. Either way, or neither, or both, the chances were a lot less likely to act in his favour if he stayed where he was and pretended that his boyfriend didn't exist, and that all of his choices until this moment had been justified. Because neither were realistic, or true, or believable.

He stood from where he was, shakily, since it was the only way that was going to work for him right now, and flushed away all of his worries before washing his face and brushing his teeth. He didn't feel sick, as such, but he definitely did not feel good.

He wasn't sure if he wanted to know how Geoff was going to react.

He left the bathroom and found himself staring at the door to the bedroom. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to do, maybe he should knock, or maybe he was warranted to just walk in, or maybe he should just bail, altogether.

The last one wasn't an option.

He closed his eyes, sighed, and brought his shaking knuckles up to the wooden door and knocked lightly. He heard a little mumble from inside, so he went in.

Geoff was sitting on the edge of the bed, staring up at Awsten with staining tear tracks sticking to his dark, flushed cheeks. He'd been crying, and Awsten knew that it was his fault, which really only made him feel all that much worse. He didn't know why he did it. He didn't know why he'd made himself eat when he knew he didn't have to.

They both looked at each other quietly, without movement, until Geoff moved further into the middle of the bed and gestured for Awsten to come sit with him. Before the boy could even make it there, though, he was a sobbing mess.

At least he could be a sobbing mess while his boyfriend held him and hushed him and rubbed at his back.

"What's going on, Awsie?"

The boy couldn't even begin to answer from the suffocation he was dealing with, the closing of his throat from crying.

Nobody wanted him.

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I've been doing a lot of A/N's lately but I just wanted to say that the next chapter has been in my drafts for this story since March and the fact that I'm publishing it in two days, like, scares the shit out of me. This book is coming close to finishing! I'm sad.