Serendipitous (Gawsten)

83. Self-Hatred

"Geoff!"

Maybe it was just cold sweats, but panicking in his sleep was never a pastime that Awsten favoured.

Perhaps it was the unexpected fear that he could feel crawling up his throat as he thrashed around under the messy bedsheets while his body tried to avoid shutting down in his already unconscious state of dreaming. Except he never did get away, he just couldn't.

Although, what he was sure of as an absolute reality was the inevitable claustrophobia that managed to play in a loop in his head of 'you can't run now, Awsten, it's too late,' the same pattern of stuck. The order of crash and fall. And a non-contrasted opposition, the other definite in all of this, by far the worst, was the waking moment where in a split second, it was recognisable that this wasn't just a figment of his imagination but an overplayed memory from what he already knew.

That's why, when he woke up while panting in an abnormal manner, he was not surprised by the way he had envisioned his father in that state of sleep. He'd almost instruct himself that the dreams were far worse than the experiences which always substituted a sliver of hope that could possibly keep him from living in more fear than he already was, and since the human brain couldn't physically hold the memories of pain, maybe the dreams were worse since he could only remember the visuals.

The familiarity, however, did not cancel out his confusion. The only instance in which confusion was not sparked was only by his own definition of standard, and this morning was decently abnormal.

The older boy immediately woke and analysed Awsten's state of which he was panicking before deeming within a split second that the boy was in need of comfort and probably would not be caused more trauma from touch. As a reaction to that, Awsten was tightly pressed up against Geoff's chest as he whispered to him that you're okay, Awsie. You're safe here with me. You're safe here in my arms, and as much as that helped, it jut couldn't compress the guilt that he was feeling now about waking the older boy up for the second time, and this was only his first night here.

His shaking fingers twisted themselves into Geoff's loose shirt as he steadied his breathing to the heartbeat that he could recognise from anywhere, holding his ear against his boyfriend's chest as he timed his respiration with the little thumping from beneath his warm skin.

Sleeping was supposed to be the break in time that he was able to relax, feel calm, reset himself in order to rest. That never happened, though; he just couldn't let his guard down or he would end up dead, he was sure of it.

"I want to go h-home, Geoff."

He wasn't supposed to be an inconvenience or burden. He was supposed to be a boyfriend, and he could admit that he wasn't doing a very good job at that.

"No, you don't."

Maybe he would feel better about himself if he could go back to the time before he met Geoff. The older boy meant everything to him, which was exactly where the problem was buried, because Awsten couldn't help but rely on him for everything. Before Geoff, he didn't feel guilty about being a problem.

"Geoff-"

"I'm not going to let you." His decision was final, and that could be seen by anyone from the look in his eyes as he leaned away from the small boy to see him, to touch his face gently with the tips of his fingers. "I won't let you."

Awsten couldn't bring himself to respond. He was caught between being thankful or wanting to cry because now he knew that Geoff felt like it was his responsibility to take care of Awsten. It was painfully obvious that the older boy wanted to take care of him, that he wanted to be the person who could bring him back to his place of pink. But you're far too ungrateful to see that, Awsten.

He must have given away a social cue towards his indecisiveness while he had been contemplating it, because Geoff was offering up a response to that, and Awsten wasn't sure whether he was ready to hear it or not.

"I'm not going to preach at you because I know that this can be hard to hear sometimes, but I'm going to tell you anyway because you need to hear it."

He nodded.

"I know what you're feeling right now, to some extent. And I don't mean that in a way that suggests that I have ever come close to feeling what you are right now because I haven't. That doesn't mean that I don't understand, though, Awsie, and I get that the words that I say to you sometimes may seem staggered and planned or at least register to you that way, but I can fucking promise you that I mean every single word."

The smaller boy didn't want Geoff to see him getting emotional but something couldn't draw him away from the icy blue that was holding him hostage in a moment that he didn't despise, for once.

"And what I want to say to you right now is that you don't have to feel guilty about just being, Awsten. It hurts me to watch you attack yourself to the point that you can't bring yourself to move because you're so hurt. You're worth so much more than this self-hatred that you fuel just for even feeling that hatred in the first place. It isn't fair. You deserve so much more than that. All I'm asking is that you let me make this all a little bit easier for you, okay? Please. I'm going to do everything that I can for you because you're my boyfriend and I would walk to the ends of the earth just to let you kill me if you asked. So please, just let me make this a little bit easier."

His throat had closed over. It was burning, he couldn't speak, but he felt so light and so pink that it didn't matter.

He just wanted to whisper the words running through his head.

I love you.

But he just couldn't.