Serendipitous (Gawsten)

90. Say it back

"N-No one will ever want me."

"No, sweetheart, that's not true. I want-"

"-Nobody!" Awsten sobbed, thrashing away as Geoff tried to touch the boy's arm in comfort. "Nobody wants me and nobody has ever wanted me and nobody will! I'm fucking disgusting! I'm-"

"Please, Aws. I never said that I didn't want you. I never said that you were anything other than beautiful. I care about you so much and you need to let me help you. You have to stop starving yourself. You have to stop making yourself throw up when you do eat. I can't lose you."

"Don't fucking touch me!" Awsten was hysterical. Geoff was aching, he just needed physical comfort, this wasn't even about him. Awsten was getting thinner. That's all he could think about.

Awsten is getting thinner and he's doing it on purpose and he's already too thin and he's going to fucking die. He's going to fucking die because nobody told him how beautiful he is and fuck he's so beautiful but he doesn't believe it and he's getting thinner. He's starving himself. He wants to die.

All Geoff can think about is the fragile boy's bones that can be seen through his body, his collar bones that can be felt through the skin, his hipbones that jut out below his waist. His legs and spine look like they're going to snap except Geoff knows that they won't because there isn't even enough weight on Awsten to cause them to do so. He's just skin and bones. He's just skin and bones and his body is rapidly growing smaller and smaller until soon Awsten won't be able to hold himself up. He won't be able to support himself and Geoff can't do anything to change Awsten's mind. This was suicide.

"Can you please go?" Awsten's voice sounded weak, his request more of a demand, like his mind was already made up. "Leave. Get the fuck away. Give me space. Stop trying to change me. I fucking knew I was never going to be enough. I never am."

"W-What?" Geoff stammered in disbelief, staring down at Awsten in confusion. And all he could think about is running his hands under Awsten's baggy sweater and being able to feel each of the boy's individual ribs and how he can fit both of the boy's wrists in his hands when he's got him pinned down to the bed. All he can think about is not feeling the fundamental fat and muscle that's supposed to be there because Awsten's body has been consuming it because there's been nothing else for it to feed off.

All he can think about is all of those last nights that Awsten has been desperately cuddled up to him as he tried to leech off the older boy's body heat. All he could think about was the fact that he hadn't noticed.

"I said I don't want you here. I'm sick of feeling like a burden. I'd rather you would just leave. I won't blame you, I won't be mad. I understand. I wouldn't stay around for me, either."

"No, you're wrong." Geoff's voice wavered as it echoed through the hole that had been cut into his chest. "You're so fucking wrong. I'm staying right here and you're not going to get rid of me because I refuse to leave. You are so fucking beautiful. I've always believed that. You are so, so beautiful, Awsten." Geoff's eyes had begun to tear up at some point but his focus was off of that. "The most beautiful thing that I have ever seen in my life."

"I-I'm not. I'm not fucking stupid. People don't like me, they're all liars. They lie and pretend to love me so that I love them back and then they can get into my head and rip me apart. They can hurt me more if I love them. And they do."

"Are you calling me a liar? I'm not, I promise. You are so beautiful, Aws. Are you even listening to me? The only reason I'm bringing this all up is because it's not healthy. I care about you and it's not healthy and-"

"-I know it's not healthy!" Awsten snarled, his voice also distorted from dry sobs that were seeping out of his mouth. "I fucking know that! I'm not fucking pretty! You're going to leave me because I'm not small enough and my waist isn't small enough and I'm just so ugly and I'm not small enough-"

"A-Awsten, please." Geoff's voice broke as the tears kept falling, running, stinging. It hurt. It was hurting him. "I'm never, ever, going to think your body is disgusting. I never have, ever. It's a part of you and every fucking inch of you is beautiful. It's not disgusting. It's terrifying. I'm fucking terrified, Aws. You're going to die if you keep doing this to yourself. Please let me help. Oh god, Awsten. Please. You're-" Geoff started sobbing, unable to finish his sentence. "You're killing yourself."

Awsten took a moment to breathe, unable to make any sort of eye contact with the older boy, looking anywhere but on him. He could hear the older boy's sobs though, they were tearing what was left of him apart. "Geoff?" Awsten looked at the older boy for the first time in this entire conversation, both of their eyes filled to the brim with tears.

"Y-Yeah?"

"Geoff," Awsten repeated, the pressure release of his emotions causing him to collapse into the older boy's arms, pulling himself into Geoff's chest, holding onto him so tightly, afraid to let go. "Don't fucking leave me. Please. I-I love you. I love you. You can't leave me alone. I need you. I love you." He let a few more sobs out, completely falling into Geoff, unable to hold himself up anymore. "I-I need you. Please don't leave me. Please don't leave."

"I won't."

"I love you."

Awsten heard the older boy sigh. "Alright. Get some sleep, sweetheart."

He didn't say it back.

Why didn't he say it back?