Serendipitous (Gawsten)

46. Slur

He wasn't sure why he'd decided it would be a good idea to join his family at the dinner table once again. It never was.

He didn't want to eat. He didn't want to speak. He had to try his hardest not to allocate some space for his thoughts to flourish for even a moment, condensing them into the walls of his headspace. If he wasn't careful, he would let himself blush at the thought of Geoff, he really couldn't risk that right now.

"-Can you believe that? I have to work with that faggot for another three weeks." Awsten pretended that he didn't choke on his own saliva as the slur spilled from his father's mouth, he didn't even know what the conversation was about, he pretended that his interest hadn't peaked. He was grateful that Gracie had ignored it too and decided not to look at Awsten to gauge his reaction, both of them trying their hardest not to drop hints about anything.

Awsten was a faggot. Being gay didn't make him a bad person but that didn't mean that he wasn't. Was he a bad person? That wasn't something that he could decide for himself, his intentions always seemed to be corrupted, according to everyone else.

It had been about six hours since his car ride with Geoff, he'd think that by this time he'd be sick and tired of having to listen to one sentence on repeat. Truthfully, he couldn't get enough of it.

I want to be able to call you mine.

He wanted to be able to call Geoff his, too. Geoff was right, though. He wasn't ready to commit to that yet, he couldn't trust Geoff, as much as he wanted to.

All things considered, Awsten didn't know Geoff very well, he hadn't known him for a very long time, either. He could be patient, he could wait, he needed to let Geoff have a bit of time to figure out what it was that he truly wanted, if he was going to commit to Awsten as much as the boy was going to commit to him.

"-Can you believe that I've worked around him for so long?" Aggressive. The conversations at the dinner table always seemed to be between his parents about their jobs. Coming out was something he definitely would never be able to do. "Just glad that I'm transferring."

"Awsten, what's going on?" His mother must have picked up his perky behaviour, he knew that he wasn't very good at disguising it. He rested the fork that he'd been fiddling with back down on his untouched plate of food. This conversation would either go the way he'd hoped, or would lead to the end of his life.

"O-Oh, I mean- I guess... I didn't know that dad was transferring?" He subtly ran his hand gently over his clothed thigh, squeezing softly. He pretended it was Geoff's hand that was comforting him. It helped.

"Of course you wouldn't know. You're never here, or when you are, you leave to have to leave for some make-believe reason. Like last night, you could have joined in on our conversation instead of running away with your 'panic attack'."

He was confused, to say the least. "What panic-" he heard Gracie snicker before he realised, that was Geoff's excuse. And now Gracie knew. Not like she hadn't been paying extra close attention to his limp and constant squirming in his seat anyway. "Y-Yeah, uh... sorry. I'm sorry."

He sent a playful kick at Gracie's leg from under the table, he wished that they were alone so he could have at least left a bruise. He was embarrassed. Whether that was because he'd slept with Geoff or if it was just because she knew that he'd had sex with a boy, he couldn't be sure. He felt guilty.

He squeezed his thigh again. He didn't want to be here. If he was being honest, he barely even knew what either of his parents did for a living, he didn't care. His head felt hot. His stomach felt like it was in knots.

He could feel everyone staring at him, he hated the attention, he wished that he'd just stayed in his bedroom tonight again, he couldn't even remember what drove him here in the first place. Awsten quickly stood from his seat, trying his hardest not to wince from the pain, rushing towards his bedroom, up the staircase.

He pushed the wooden door to his bedroom open and quickly closed it behind him, locking the six locks that were firmly in place on the back of his door. He was hit with a wave of fatigue, he'd had a long day and the previous night wasn't exactly calm or typical for him, he really just needed some rest.

He didn't care that it was barely past six in the evening, he was exhausted. He lazily unbuttoned his jeans and took them off, along with the blue hoodie that he was still wearing. He threw them onto the floor of his bedroom before picking up the pale pink hoodie that Geoff had given him and pulling that on instead, it always was more comfortable than his.

He got into his bed before pulling the sheets over his shoulders, it was fairly cold as it was coming into winter now. He closed his eyes and drifted into a sleep while he couldn't stop thinking about Geoff.

I want to be able to call you mine.