Serendipitous (Gawsten)

86. Sustain

hi, cute lil reminder that this story is dedicated to my baby @-phases thank you.

Awsten was kissing at the water droplets that were clutching at Geoff's back as the older boy dug around in his dresser drawer for clothes, Awsten's arms draped around his waist, just above where his white towel was loosely wrapped around his hips.

"Awsie, we probably shouldn't-"

"-I don't wanna have sex, Geoff. I just want to be close to you."

No matter how many times that they shared sexual intimacy with each other, they never wanted it to be rushed or just because they could. Not anymore, at least, and seeing as though Geoff's parents would be home at any point in time within the next hour or so, it just seemed inappropriate, not like either of them were really in the mood.

"So will you actually let me get into something warmer so that I can keep you warm, too?"

Awsten smiled against his boyfriend's skin and nodded, leaving one last kiss against his shoulder blade before stepping away, his fingertips lingering against Geoff's waist before finally dropping contact. "I guess so."

He lazily flopped ungainly back onto the mattress and played with the splitting ends of his blonde hair, twisting it between his fingers until it was unkempt against his forehead. Geoff always said that his messy hair was cute, so he did it on purpose, now.

The bed sank next to him as Geoff fell back onto the bed as well, smiling over at him. "Your hair looks cute," he hummed, knowing that Awsten loved it when Geoff said that anything about him was adorable, and also knowing that every time he said that he would get to see the boy blush.

Awsten knew he was blushing, anyway, as the heat rose to his pale cheeks and caused them to darken, which lead to embarrassment, which only resulted in his blush darkening and appearing more pronounced on his cheekbones.

"Can I ask you something?" He didn't bother to wait for a response, even though the older boy nodded his head. "Why do I hate myself so much?"

Geoff sighed. "I don't know, Aws. I'm not sure if I'm fit to answer that." They both turned to look at each other even though they were laying down, Geoff turning onto his side to play with his boyfriend's hair as he spoke. "I think that there's a cacophony of whispers that make you feel obligated to. I think you've been trained into it, and I think that being trained out of it is something that might take some time."

"So you don't think that my self-hatred is self-induced?"

"I don't think it is, no."

Awsten nodded, only just, chewing on the inside of his lower lip. "Sorry for asking. Sometimes I just need a little extra clarity-"

"-Because you think that I might leave you."

"I cause problems. I don't understand why you wouldn't want to."

Awsten was terrified, if he was being honest. He knew that he shouldn't get attached to anyone or anything because he knew that it would eventually be ripped away from him, but here he was; completely infatuated with a boy that may not be his for much longer, and that was the hardest part of it all.

"Believe me, Aws. You mean more to me every single day and it's probably not healthy at this point but there is nobody that I would rather be with, right now, than you." Geoff kissed the tip of the boy's nose, running his hand through his messy hair. "I like who I am when I'm around you."

"How do I respond to that?" He laughed nervously, clearly flustered. "Didn't really expect you to pour your heart out when I asked that, you know?"

"You don't have to," the older boy began, running his thumb over Awsten's blushing cheekbone before kissing him on the mouth, very lightly, since the boy was fragile, he needed to be cared for. "That will do just fine."

His smile grew slightly before kissing Geoff back, closing his eyes as he took favour of the sweet nicotine that was being enclosed past his lips as they kissed. This was the shift that they had both taken part of. They no longer made-out from primal desire or in an attempt to solve a silent argument because words just would not suffice. Their lips touching was shy of demanding idiosyncrasies, it was innocent. They kissed out of innocence.

They kissed because they wanted to sustain the evidence that they adored and cherished and idolised an cared about each other. Care for each other that was more than just lust.

It was so much more, yet neither of them were audacious enough to admit it.