Serendipitous (Gawsten)

33. Sorry

He sat on a low brick wall, looking out at the dark sky and dim yellow lights that lined the street as he lit his fourth cigarette.

Awsten felt his phone vibrate in his back pocket, he'd asked Gracie to message him if there were more updates although he refused to check, taking a long drag of his cigarette, instead.

He got lost in thought, as he often did, staring at the small spots of light that littered the blanket of black that covered the Earth. He breathed more smoke into his body, letting it settle in his lungs before exhaling it back out.

He watched as the cigarette got smaller, eventually too short to be safely held between his fingers. He used his free hand to pull back the blue sleeve of his hoodie, taking the small burning object from between his fingers and pressing the lit end into the pale skin on his wrist until the end had completely ceased burning.

He sighed in satisfaction before pulling the cigarette away from his skin and admiring the dark circle that was left, pulling the material back down to conceal what he'd just done. He slid off the wall to place his cigarette butt in the bin, just like he had with the last three.

He was about to light another but felt his phone vibrate again, pushing the cigarette back into the pack before swapping it for his phone. He pushed the small button to see his phone light up, he had two message notifications from Gracie.

Gracie: Come to recovery, we can see him now.

Gracie: Where are you?

He sighed before sending her a quick text message in reply.

Awsten: coming now

He immediately felt himself get nervous once again, turning his phone off and putting it into his back pocket again before walking back towards the hospital.

He tried to think of an excuse to not have to go see Geoff, though the older boy already knew that Awsten was there and had specifically asked to see him. That made Awsten not want to go in even more.

It was too late to back out now, though. He walked through the automatic doors and towards the recovery wing, immediately noticing Gracie who waved him over, she'd been waiting for him.

"He's awake, you can go see him now," she confirmed, she seemed more lively now, for whatever reason.

"Oh- okay... thanks," he stuttered out, he nodded before walking him towards where Geoff's room was before he quickly started to freak out. "N-no, Gracie, I can't."

She gave him a small smile before taking his hand and giving it a small squeeze. "It's going to be fine, Awsie. I've already seen him, he's pretty wiped out."

He nodded a little, tasting blood before realising that he had been chewing on his bottom lip, hard. "Y-you aren't coming in with me?" She giggled a little bit at his excessive worrying, squeezing his hand lightly again before letting go.

She was already walking away before Awsten could argue anymore, he felt pathetic, what the fuck was he even doing? The younger boy slowly walked towards the doorframe of the hospital room, immediately met by that same soft smile and icy blue eyes that looked so tired.

Geoff's mother and sister were both with him, he felt slightly relieved until they noticed him and stood up to leave, walking past Awsten to leave the two uncomfortably alone.

Awsten walked into the room, met with a hoarse, "hey," coming from the older boy; he really did sound wiped out. Awsten didn't say anything back, though, just giving him a small nod in acknowledgement.

He noticed that Geoff's hair was shorter than the last time he'd seen him, thirty-three days ago, seeing as though it was passed midnight. He was slightly disappointed if he was being honest, it wasn't even long enough to fall over his eyes anymore. He had liked to pull on the long strands when they had made-out, not like he'd ever be doing that again, anyway.

Awsten kept his eyes steadily on the floor, drowning in the uncomfortable silence that made the room go tense between the two of them. He knew that if he let himself make eye contact with Geoff, he'd immediately be hypnotised and say whatever he thought the older boy would want to hear. He had to be honest, right now.

"How have you been?" Geoff's voice was dull and deep, it was almost tempting enough on its own to make Awsten want to cave in, he was so weak, so pathetic.

Terrible. I wanted you but you weren't there. It's been thirty-three days. I've been keeping count... have you? "Fine... I guess."

He stayed standing near the door frame, closing the door to give them a little more privacy, he felt more comfortable when people couldn't listen in on their conversation.

"What about you, Geoff? How have you been doing, huh?" He did not sound sincere, not at all, he sounded so bitter, they could both hear it.

Awsten flicked his eyes over to look at Geoff and back again, satisfied with the look of sadness in the older boy's eyes. He wanted him to feel guilty, he wanted him to understand what he had put Awsten through. "I... I missed you, Aws."

Awsten scoffed a little as his vision got distorted from the tears filling his eyes, soaking them away with the material from his sweater.

"Awsten, please... can you just lie down with me? I've missed you so bad, baby, I-"

"You do not deserve to call me 'baby'," he hissed as the tears started to force themselves down his cheeks, he finally managed to bring himself to look at Geoff, he was too worked up now to go soft.

"Awsten-"

"Fuck you, Geoff." The familiar ache in his chest came back as he noticed Geoff starting to cry as well, he didn't want to be here, he didn't care how broken Geoff was, right now. "Did you think that I wouldn't find out about Chloe? My sister basically fucking lives with you!"

"I'm s-so sorry, okay? I really am. I b-broke up with her last week, Aws. I broke up with h-her because I chose you." It wasn't hard to see the desperation in Geoff's eyes, he was being so genuine, Awsten didn't care.

"You 'chose' me? Is that why you also chose to ignore me for thirty-two days?" He wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his hoodie again although there was no point, the tears were falling faster than he could wipe them away.

"Please, just let me t-talk you..."

"You are a fucking whore, Geoff. I can't deal with this shit. You don't deserve my forgiveness. I don't want to see you ever again in my entire fucking miserable life."