I Wanna Be Your Girlfriend | Nikki Sixx

Chapter 68.

Carly's POV

I got woken up by someone nudging me. I slowly opened my eyes and saw Nikki laying across from me. "Baby, it's 6 o'clock. You've been asleep all day," he said. "What day is it?" I mumbled. "The 8th." He replied. "Wake me up when December is over." I said and shut my eyes again. "Come on, babe. I know you're upset, but you can't sleep all the time." He said. I felt him kiss my forehead. "Let's have a movie marathon like we always do." He said.

I opened my eyes again. "Let's just sleep together. I like sleeping," I mumbled. "We can't just sleep the whole month away, come on. Let's go do something fun. We need to get out and laugh and smile." He said. "I don't want to." I said, shutting my eyes again. I felt the blankets get yanked off me. "Nikki!" I whined, opening my eyes and sitting up. "Nope, up. Let's go." He said, tossing the blanket aside. I whined and laid back in the bed and pulled my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. Nikki grabbed the pillow from under my head and tossed it aside. "Nikki!" I exclaimed, growing annoyed.

"Let's go, get up!" He smiled at me. I grumbled under my breath and turned my back to him. "I didn't wanna have to do this, but you leave me no choice." He said. I furrowed my eyebrows and I felt Nikki's arms wrap around me and lift me up. "Nikki, put me down!" I exclaimed. He didn't answer, he put me over his shoulder and walked into the bathroom, turning the shower on. "Nikki, I took a shower last night!" I said, punching his back. He stepped into the shower, both of us fully clothed. "NIKKI!" I shrieked as the, still cold, water hit my back. He laughed. "I didn't wanna do this, you gave me no choice!" He laughed.

The water started to warm up and he sat me down. "Okay, start showering. We got a big day ahead of us." He said, taking his shirt off. "You're such a turd," I said, crossing my arms over his chest. "Turd? What are you 5?" He asked. I rolled my eyes and stripped from my clothes. "I'm pissed at you right now." I said, working shampoo into my hair. "Aw, I love you, too." He replied, sarcastically. "Also, we don't have a big day, it's already evening." I said, washing the shampoo out of my hair. "You know what I mean," he chuckled.

I quickly finished washing my hair and body and stepped out of the shower and dried off and wrapped a towel around my body and walked into my bedroom. I sighed and looked at myself in the mirror. I know my depression is back, I can see it in my face. I have dark bags under my eyes, my face is breaking out, my suicidal thoughts are back and they're eating me alive. I ran a hand through my hair and played with my lip ring. Whatever Nikki has planned, I'm really not up for it. I just want to sleep.

I finally got dressed, putting on some new undergarments and walking over to my closet. I rubbed my eye and grabbed a pair of black leggings and slipped them on and pulled on an oversized KISS sweater. I slipped socks on and grabbed my hairbrush, dragging it through my hair. I quickly did my usual makeup and sat down on my bed. I'm fighting the urge to just get under the covers again. I heard footsteps coming towards my door and saw Nikki appear, hair all blow dried, puffy as usual, eyeliner around his eyes and black leather pants with a sleeveless black shirt on. He looks so handsome.

"Ready to get going?" He asked. I sighed and stood up, I slipped my shoes on and walked over to Nikki and he wrapped his arms around me. "You haven't been talking to me since we were on the roof yesterday, what's been going on in that beautiful head of yours?" He asked. Should I even tell him about being suicidal? I feel like it would just make him upset.

I shook my head. "It's nothing, let's go." I said, trying my best to sound enthusiastic. He frowned. "No, tell me what's going on. I've known you for so long, you can't hide your emotions around me." He replied. I sighed and looked down at my feet. "I-I feel really suicidal, I have been since we lost the baby. I feel like I failed you, myself, everyone who was excited to meet the baby," I said, quietly. I heard Nikki sigh.

"Baby," he started. He took my hand and we walked over and sat on the bed. "Look at me," he said. I hesitated but, eventually looked over at him. "Listen to me, you are not a failure, do not call yourself a failure. What happened to the baby was not your fault." He said, rubbing my back. "I just feel like I just ruined everything." I said, my voice shaking. I looked down at my lap, I can't stand to look at him right now. I feel like I ruined absolutely everything. Every time I look at him, I just want to cry. He was so happy when we found out, now he just looks so sad.

"Carly," he said. I shook my head. "Please, just tell me that you're mad at me. I know you are, I'm mad at myself. I just want you to tell me so I stop beating myself up about it." I spoke up before he could say anything else. "I can't say that to you." He replied. "Why?!" I exclaimed, looking at him. "Because, I don't want to lie to you, I am not mad at you. If I was, you would know. I have never hid my emotions from you, if I'm mad at you, I tell you. If I'm sad, I tell you and so on," he began. "I'm an open person when it comes to you, Carls. Believe me when I say, I'm not mad." He said.

"I am just so mad at myself, I just assumed you would be, too." I said, quietly. "No, baby girl. I'm not mad." He said. "Now, about feeling suicidal," he started. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?" He asked, taking my hands in his. "I don't want to feel like a burden, you're upset about this whole baby situation, too. I don't want to make it all about me." I replied. "We're together, we are dating. Don't hide things like that from me, I wouldn't think like that." He said. "I just want to disappear." I said. "I feel like I disappointed everyone who was excited about the baby and I can't live with that. The fact that I let everyone down, including myself. I want to be someone new. I can't stand to look in the mirror and see what's staring back at me." I said.

I looked over at Nikki again and his eyes filled with tears. "Why're you about to cry?" I asked. "Because, you feel that worthless when you're not," his voice cracked. "You didn't disappoint me, nobody is disappointed in you, Carly. It breaks my heart that you're going through this right now." He said and a tear ran down his cheek. "I love you so much that hearing what you think of yourself just tears me apart. Especially since I can't do anything to help." He added on.

"I'll be able to get over this soon," I replied. "But, until then, you're gonna feel like that and I can't do anything to help, I feel so stuck and hopeless because I can't do anything about it." He said. "You're my whole world, my everything. You give me a reason to be alive, you're my sun, my moon and all of my stars." He said. I smiled. "You're smiling," he said, sniffling. "Yeah, I am. You make me smile." I said, smiling wider. "I wanna get better, I want to be able to get back to how we were before this, I know I can get there if you're by my side. You give me a reason to smile, no." I said, quickly. "Fuck that, you are my smile." I said. He smiled and looked down before meeting my gaze again. "You're mine, too." He said.

He leaned in and kissed me, taking his hands from mine and wrapping his arms around me, he pulled me close to him and deepened the kiss. His grip around me isn't insanely tight, but it's firm. As if he was keeping me from leaving. He broke the kiss and looked down at me. "Promise me something?" He asked. "What?" I asked. "Promise me, that if you're suicidal, instead of keeping it to yourself, please come to me and tell me and we can sort it out. I never want you to do anything to harm yourself." He said. I smiled a little again. "Okay, I promise." I replied.

"Change of plans, instead of going out. Let's have a movie marathon and get black out drunk." He said. I giggled. "Oh, hell yes." I replied. He chuckled and stood up. I stood up after him. "I'll get the drinks, you get the movies together." He said. "Okay, and then we can get the snacks together." I replied. "Deal." He said and kissed my head.

(A/N: I'm so sorry if this chapter is crap, I hit a huge writers block and tried my best to make this okay :/ If any of you have any ideas, please, please, please comment them! Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed! Please vote, it's greatly appreciated! Feedback is always welcome! Okay bye👻)