Gamble

Ikalabing-apat

Paglabas ko ng bahay para tumakbo sandali, may rosas na naman sa pintuan. Halos isang taon at mahigit na ang lumilipas simula no'ng una ko silang natanggap at hanggang ngayon hindi pa rin tumitigil.

Pero hindi na rin ako masyadong interesado kung kanino nanggagaling ang mga 'yon dahil wala na akong maisip kung sino. Katulad ng palagi kong ginagawa, inaayos ko pa rin ang mga ito, nilalagay sa hapag at sa study room. Wala na ring note na kasama, naisip ko nga baka nagkamali lang ng address na pinagbibigyan pero naalala ko noong una akong makatanggap nito, pinapirmahan pa sa'kin ng delivery boy. Iyon na rin ang huling may nakita akong naghatid noon dito.

"Jill, sa Sunday, ha?" ang tawag ni Lance ang nakapagpabalik sa 'kin sa diwa ko.

"Okay. See you."

"Pumunta ka ha?" ulit niya pa.

"Oo na Lance, dali na at may gagawin pa ako."

Bago ako matulog, binasa ko pa ulit ang ginawa kong open letter na ilalabas ko sa blog ko. Dito ko na lang ilabas lahat baka sakaling makarating sa kanya.

Ang tagal ko na siyang hindi nakakausap at gustung-gusto ko siyang puntahan pero palagi lang akong pinipigilan ng mga magagaling kong paa.

--

To the man who was a fiancé but never a boyfriend...

Can I have some of your time?

Can I be honest?

Will you hear me out?

I know I have been a fool, so fool that I forgot to remind myself that you were a handkerchief to my tears. You were a mirror of my smiles, you were a willing absorber of my fuming.You were a gallon of water in my empty cup, you were a breath of fresh air on my polluted castle.

You were a raindrop on a drought, you were the ink on my blank page. I can go through but I guess you hate words because they are cheap.

But I'm willing to hold on to this cheapest thing just to buy a talk with you.

I remember my first heart ache, you were there even if you should not be. I remember my first confession, you were there and I wished you weren't.

I remember when I lost someone I love the most, you were there even I didn't expect to.

I remember the first time I got drunk, you were there even if I hoped not to be there.

I could go on but I need to stop at some point. I stopped one day and it cost me a lot. It cost me you.

You were different, the only shining star in my night sky -- not extraordinary but always special.

Yet I managed to let you slipped away.I was so blinded with my dreams. I was too in love with the life I have. I was too excited to learn and try new things.

I travel alone. I do things alone. I was always on my own that I became confident to just be by myself.

There I forgot to look at the future with you. I forgot that I want to be with you. Even in the cheapest way, I am willing to gamble.

I'm sorry.

I love you.

But I don't know where to start because this might just be the end. So, in this cheapest way I ask you to forgive me. In this very cheapest way I ask you to let me come back again.

In this very cheapest way, I hold on.

You're now one of the youngest of your profession to build a firm. I am one proud best friend, one proud ex-fiancée, one proud woman you may wish to forget and I accept the consequences.

And someday if you wish to forget me I'll understand for I was the bitter piece on your sweet memories.