This one life

Lemons I

Won't you please explain it to me
Why'd we leave that way?
Won't you tell me please

I can't help but miss you
But you're too far to feel that

"Lemons", Nick Leng

"Oh", is all Jasmin says.

„Du must morgen bis Rotterdam fahren?", she asks after a moment.

„Nein", I answer and feel that it is safe to look at her again, for we have left the dangerous topic. „Wir treffen uns in Venlo. Das ist kurz nach der Grenze."

Jasmin nods, but she seems to have more questions, because she doesn't look at me, but frowns at the table.

„Wenn Joelle eine künstliche Befruchtung will, und ihr das so wichtig ist, denkst du nicht...?" I know what she wants to say, even if she doesn't finish her sentence.

Can I not bring myself to take the risk, and safe my marriage by granting Joelle her wish, yet possibly put her in danger at the same time. I sadly shake my head.

"It is against everything I believe in", I say with a shrug.

Jasmin's eyes are now fixed on mine and I can see how hard she tries to understand my motives. I sigh.

"If God had wanted us to have children, I think he would have given us the chance to conceive naturally."

I swallow again. It is hard for me to talk about this very private topic, even if I chose to share it with her.

"You know that I am a religious person..."

She smiles at me, and the memory of the two of us almost fighting over religion and spiritual beliefs on the way to the airport pops up in my mind. Of course she knows.

"I feel like an in-vitro fertilization would be playing God. I am not prepared to meddle with the plans he has for me or Joelle. I am sure that", I pause for a moment to make sure this comes out right "...despite all the pain this situation has caused us... is still causing us... there is a reason for this. There is a reason behind everything, and maybe we are just not meant to have children."

I feel like I have said everything I can and desperately look at Jasmin. I know she does not believe in God, so I don't know if I can expect her to understand my position.

"And Joelle disagrees", is all she says with a sad smile. I only nod.

We sit there in silence, and the seconds tick away. After what feels like almost a minute, Jasmin clears her throat and then says, with a rasping voice: „Ich weiß nicht, ob dir das hilft, aber obwohl ich, wie du schon weißt" (she rolls her eyes at this) „...nicht gläubig bin, verstehe ich deinen Standpunkt. Ich kann auch nachvollziehen, dass Joelle ein eigenes Kind möchte, denn ich bin eine Frau und kenne die Sehnsucht, schwanger zu sein und sein eigenes Baby in den Armen halten zu wollen, nur zu gut...."