This one life

Hungry heart

Everybody needs a place to rest
Everybody wants to have a home
Don't make no difference what nobody says
Ain't nobody like to be alone

"Hungry heart", Bruce Springsteen

I have to admit that I am nervous. The idea of visiting her again came this morning when I was planning my way back home. I was unable to resolve my inner conflict last night and did not sleep well. Needless to say, I woke up and my first thought went to Jasmin.

I feel like I need to figure this out somehow, and soon. It is driving me crazy, and the urge to be near her is so overwhelming now that it takes all of my self-control to concentrate on the traffic. I need to stay focused, get through these 2 hours of driving. What comes then is something I will have to worry about later. I just don't know what to do once I am there. I am pretty sure the best thing would be to tell her, to wipe the slate clean, and it would probably also be the "professional" way. After all, I am not a teenager any more, but a grown-up who knows what he wants. Or so I thought until a few days ago. Now everything seems twisted, and the thing I want most at the moment is her. So I really need to tell her. Yet I don't think I can do it, I am too much of a chicken. AND I still don't know what to make of it.

Of course, the fact that my voice was shaking and my heart pounding when I just called her and the way her voice made me smile... Well, frankly, all these things are telling a story of their own. I have rarely been in love in my youth, true, but I know the symptoms once they are there. I am a nervous wreck and at the same time thrilled to bits. A smile creeps onto my face. Who would have thought that I would ever again have such problems?

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Have you ever had the feeling that time is passing extra slowly just because you are waiting for it to pass? The minutes creep by, and although my car is of the opinion that I am advancing my destination at the speed of an average of 140km per hour, I nevertheless get the feeling that I will be spending another lifetime in this vehicle. Time just won't fly by as it usually does, and I am already close to losing my nerves.

Finally, there is the exit and I decelerate the car. Another agonizing 7 minutes later, I slow the car down in her street and decide to park in the space in front of her garage this time. I kill the engine and try to compose myself, but it's no use. My heart is throbbing in my chest and my palms are sweaty. I swallow hard and get out.

It takes forever until the door is opened once I have rung the bell. There she is, right in front of me, smiling wryly.

"Hi", is all I manage to say, and she pulls me into her arms. I let it happen, there is no way I could have done anything against it, and it feels so good. God gracious, how happy I am! She lets go of me after only a second and looks at me with a carefully composed expression on her face.