This one life

Surprise yourself

Speak and open up your mind
It's something you should do all the time
Keep exploring, seek and find
You know you might surprise yourself

"Surprise yourself", Jack Garrant

I still cannot believe I am taking this so lightly. The preparations for the concert are all but completed, and I have found the time to sit down and rest for a bit. Pray, too, although there will certainly be more prayers tonight during the service.

However, since I left my brothers at the Communauté Saint Jean, I have always preferred to do my prayers in private.

I feel a bit better since I have asked my creator for advice, but my increased heartbeat when I receive a message from Jasmin belie my conduct. There is a battle raging in my chest, and nothing I can do to stop it or foresee its outcome. I feel sad, yes, because I think Joelle's decision is final; as final as it can be, and it hurts to know that we now have to enter the stage of divorce proceedings, lawyers and alimony claims. And there is the issue of dealing with this situation in public, as well. I will have to call my manager as soon as I am back home to discuss with him the necessary strategy for announcing this to the media.

On the other side, I have realized, quite clearly and somewhat out of the blue, that I am in love with Jasmin. It suddenly hit me yesterday evening when I sat on my bed in the hotel room, alone, wondering if I would be able to sleep.
I had recalled my conversation with Joelle, how she had not believed me, and, when I assured her that I meant what I said, how she had tried to carefully lay down for me that there was no turning back now. Not anymore. "Te veel geschroeide aarde" – too much burned ground, she had said. Of course, she was right. And the loneliness that I felt when I thought back to this meeting in the Café in Venlo had resulted in a deep craving. A need to be held, to be comforted; something that no prayer could remedy.

It was then that I realized that I was not only longing for comfort and consolation, but that I had the urge to call her, that I wanted to see her, to speak to her. For God's sake, I wanted to be held by her, feel her hands embracing me, wanted to smell her hair and feel the warmth of her body pressed against mine. There was no way I could deny this any longer. The big question now was: what should I do?

There is an obviously easy solution to this, of course. I know that she fancies me. The fact that I have previously chosen to ignore her odd behavior in my presence does not mean that I have not understood her little allusions. These incidental references seem to burst forth many times without her intention, which then inevitably lead to her blushing. Those situations and allusions used to amuse me, and, given my position and degree of recognition in the public, I am used to much more obvious approaches or confessions of admiration or love. With her subtle way, she has always made it easy for me to tolerate her feelings without any problems. I was never under the impression that she expected me to react on these sometimes very obvious situations, quite the opposite. She appeared to be grateful when I chose to ignore her little advances, and this has led to me feeling so comfortable in her presence. I was never afraid that she would make a pass on me. I wonder how or if this will change when we now meet again, given that she has just learned, as one of very few people, that I am officially separated from my wife.