This one life

Torn

There's nothin' where we used to lie
Conversation has run dry
That's what's going on
Nothing's fine, I'm torn

"Torn", Natalie Imbruglia

I am such an idiot. I cannot help but laugh out loud when I see the DVD lying on the passenger seat. The only excuse I had for visiting her in the first place is still here, and I didn't even think of it once.

Of course, I had a good reason for it, but I am still amused. I almost miss the access road to the highway because I am so deep in thought, and next time I glance on my watch, I have spent over an hour driving, and, mostly thinking. Once again, I am bewildered by the fact that it is not the prospect of meeting Joelle, and, if my vague plan fails, of permanently losing her that is on the forefront of my mind.
As it has often been the case these past few weeks, I am thinking of Jasmin. I go over the details of our recent meeting, I try to recall what she said and why, I remember her smile and the way she held me. For maybe the hundredth time, I ask myself what it is that made me visit her, that forced me to stop by her place today. It makes no sense to keep pretending that I came here for a stupid DVD or because I was curious to see how and where she lives, or because I wanted to surprise her. It is more than obvious that I came because I wanted to see her. The only question now is how bad it is: Am I just intrigued and interested by her? Am I falling in love? I try to investigate my feelings, but I am too confused to find an answer to my own questions. I go over the same situations repeatedly and ask myself if my own feelings would be clearer to me were it not for the impending separation from Joelle. I sigh and take the next exit off the highway to take a break. Traffic has been increasing this past half hour and my concentration is somewhat limited because there is so much on my mind.

Once back on the road, I feel guilty for wondering so much about my feelings towards Jasmin while I am still married and should be thinking about Joelle. The problem there is that I still don't have a plan for tomorrow, and I cannot even make up my mind on whether I really still want to have a plan. It appears that I am going crazy...