This one life

Lemons II

„You could make lemon curd, or lemon cake, you know", sage ich lachend, werde dann aber ernst.

"The recipes are there; it is your decision what to do".

Er sieht mich mit einem undefinierbaren Ausdruck an und ich bin mir sicher: er weiß genau, worauf ich mit dem letzten Satz anspielen wollte. Wir starren uns einige Sekunden nur an, dann muss ich wegschauen, weil mir nun doch schwindelig zu werden droht.

„Thank you", sagt er leise, und in diesen Worten schwingt so viel Dankbarkeit und Gefühl, dass ich schlucken muss.

„Anytime", sage ich, so aufrichtig ich kann, und zwinge mich, ihn anzusehen. „After all, that's what friends are for, right?"

Er nickt nur, schaut mich aber weiterhin an und sein Blick scheint mich zu durchbohren. Wieder bin ich diejenige, die seinem Blick nicht mehr standhält, und ich schaue auf die Uhr, nur um irgendetwas zu tun. Sofort muss ich nochmal hinschauen. Es ist doch nicht wirklich schon viertel nach zwölf?!

Suddenly, everything seems much clearer to me. I don't know how she did it, and I cannot tell if I will really change my mind, but it seems that I needed a completely different perspective on this entire topic, and she has given me just that. Of course, I still think in-vitro fertilization is not an option to be considered lightly, but with her joke of the priest in the swamp, she has shown me a way to reconcile this concept with my belief. If this wasn't amazing in itself, then the fact that it was her of all people certainly is. I have only known her for a few weeks, she doesn't know me that well and she doesn't know Joelle at all, but she has grasped the problem within seconds and illustrated my situation in a way I did not know was possible. I am full of gratitude and admiration for Jasmin as I now watch her busily preparing a few sandwiches in the kitchen. I have stayed on the couch to sort out my feelings and thoughts, but I don't think I will manage just now. I am too much occupied with her presence and with what just happened. I am not a person that cries easily, and I am both ashamed for crying in her arms and thankful she let me, because the way she just held me and said nothing has somehow helped. Of course I now feel weak, like a sentimental pussy even, but also relieved and comforted. It felt good to let go of all those feelings, and it felt good to be held by her. Another thought that I need to think about. Another disturbing detail that must have a reason, but there is no time now.

We keep the conversation to a minimum and stay with light topics while we eat the sandwiches she made. I am not really hungry, but the sandwiches are really good, and so I eat more than I intended to, which – of course – does not go unnoticed by her.

"I haven't eaten much these past days", I say as an excuse as I pick up the last of the sandwiches from the plate.

„Das habe ich bemerkt", she says with a serious look on her face, and I am once again surprised by her reaction.