This one life

Lieber allein

Zwischen meinem Anruf und deinem Schweigen
Zwischen dem Warten und all meinen Fragen
Hast du nichts mehr zu sagen?
Ist da nichts mehr zu sagen?

"Lieber allein", LEA

A bitter taste lingers once I place back the phone on the hotel desk. I lean back on the bed to rest my head on the headboard and close my eyes. I want to understand Jasmin's mindset, her motives for reacting the way she did, and I want her to understand me. Yet she seems to be unable to see that this is not about her, that my actions and decisions of the past days were not intended on belittling or hurting her. It feels like every time I try to remedy an aspect of the current problem, I make a mistake in her eyes.

I suddenly feel angry again. It is so disrespectful of her to presume to judge my dealings with the media! After all, she has no idea what it is like. How does she dare tell me that I should do otherwise? She of all people should know that I have dealt with the media for decades, with friendly and hostile situations, good and bad news. She should know I am a professional! Whereas she has never even had contact with a reporter before, or so I assume. Why doesn't she trust me? It is so unlike her to start bossing me around!

My mind wanders back to Maite's words on that evening a few weeks ago, and for the second time in only minutes I have to ask myself: Does she really want this? Is she keen on me telling the world that she is my 'girlfriend' so she can move from the shadow to the light?! It hurts to think that this is her motive, but it is hard to find a different reason that makes sense just now. Was Maite right after all, and Jasmin only fell in love with me because I am famous? Will she fall out of love now that I have made it clear that I will not offer more information on my love life to the press; that I am not prepared to share private details? I stare onto the wood-paneled wall of the hotel room while the evening turns to night, my mind wandering back and forth without a destination, without direction or pattern. I feel exhausted, and I know I should probably get some sleep since I have to drive for several hours tomorrow. Still, I cannot make myself get up to take off my jeans or brush my teeth. I simply sit there for hours, staring into the darkness around me, letting my mind go in circles.

Ich fühle mich wie nach einer durchzechten Nacht, als ich wie üblich gegen 6 aus dem Bett krieche. Natürlich bin ich gestern Abend nicht ins Bett gegangen, sondern saß noch lange bewegungslos im Esszimmer und hab mich schließlich in den Schlaf geweint.