My Bijou! A Maylor Love Story

Don't Try Suicide....

Brian's POV

"Brian?" 

"Brian?"  I heard her calling me.  I didn't look up or register her presence.  I didn't want to be here.  I didn't want to be anywhere.  I just wanted to stop feeling everything.  Nothing.  I feel really heavy right now.

"Brian...I need you to talk to me...can you talk to me?"  she wants to talk but I don't feel like it. I'm really tired and just want to close my eyes.  I just want go to sleep.  Go to sleep and never open my eyes again.  I just...

"Brian...I can't help you if you won't talk to me....I just need to ask you a few questions...okay?"  The overhead light keeps makes a buzzing noise.  I don't like it.  I want it to stop.  Maybe if they turn the light out it will go away.  Maybe I should just ask them to turn off the light.

Hey Bri....you need to talk to her, okay?  She just needs you to answer some questions.."  I turned to see Deacy looking at me.  He was sitting next to me. When did he get here?

"What?"  I asked Deacy.  "When did you get here?"  I asked him.  He gave me a strange look and  let out a sigh.  It sounded kind of sad.

"Brian...I brought you here..don't you remember?"  he answered.  I was confused by what he said.  Where did he bring me?  I don't remember him being here.  Wait?  What?  Where am I?

"Where am I?"  I asked Deacy and he grabbed my arm. He was looking at me with those soulful green eyes.  He looked hurt.  No..it was concern. 

"Brian!  You're in the hospital!  Don't you remember?"  Deacy shouted at me.  Why did he shout?  I can hear him...he's right here!

"Hey! don't shout at me!"  I told him and suddenly realized my voice sounded funny. My throat hurts!  My voice was rough and scratching as I spoke. I put my hand to my throat and then felt a weird sensation in my hand. There is an IV in it! What is going on?

"What happened? Why do I have an IV?" I asked Deacy. He blinked at me and took my hand. Eyes still focused on me. 

"Brian....you don't remember?" He asked me. Remember what? I shook my head. I didn't remember. He swallowed and squeezed my hand. "You...you took a bunch of pills.. we brought you here so they could pump your stomach!" Deacy explained with concern in his eyes. He turned to look at the nurse and then looked back at me. He swallowed again. "Did you....did you take them on purpose?" He asked me in a soft voice; almost a whisper. I felt my stomach drop and tears stung my eyes. I suddenly couldn't look at him and dropped my face into my hands. I clutched my hair that was within reach and pulled at it. The tears spilled from my eyes and I felt like I could be sick. I bent over a bit to stop the nausea.  I suddenly remembered.  Everything.  I felt overwhelmed and just wanted to make it stop. 

"Brian....did you try to hurt yourself?" The nurse asked me. I shook my head for a moment but didn't move otherwise. Guilt suddenly flooded my insides and I slowly nodded my head without realizing it. 

I heard Deacy sigh.

———

"Brian...I'm Dr. Fischer ...  I'd like to ask you about what happened yesterday.  Will you talk to me?"  He asked me in a soothing tone.  I opened my eyes and looked over at him. He was older than me and he looked like a psychiatrist.. I almost laughed at his brown corduroy blazer and bland mustard colored tie.  His hair is fuzzy and he reminds me of Albert Einstein.  I couldn't help but smile.  I wanted to point out the likeness but I didn't want to offend him.   So I just nodded. 

"Can you tell me why you think you took those pills?"  

The pills.  Oh yeah...  I turned away from his gaze and fumbled around with the hem of my shirt.  There was a loose thread on the end and I had been playing with it since I woke up this morning.  It was something to do besides think about everything.  I guess I had to answer him.  I had agreed to talk.

"Yeah...."  I mumbled to him and kept my eye on the thread.  I rolled it between my fingers.

"Why did you?"  he asked me again.  I shifted on the chair and looked up at him.  He had no smile or frown.  He was looking at me intently. Waiting for an answer.  I took a deep breath and thought about what I would say.  I could put it in a few words or it would take me days to tell him why.  I guess it was up to him which answer would satisfy him.

"Do you want the short answer or the long one?"  I asked him.  He gripped his pen in his hands and smiled at me.

"Whichever one you want to start with..."  he replied.  I watched his eyes and found no malice or judgement.  At least not yet.  I nodded to him and let the thread in my fingers slip out of my hands.

"The short answer....."  I told him and went to find the string again with my hand.  It just made me feel grounded to hold it.  I got hold of it and rolled it again.

"It's.....well..." I struggled and felt tears in my eyes and my throat get tight.  "It's because of Roger.."  I answered and felt a bit of relief saying his name.   "Roger..."  I said it again to be sure. 

"Why did Roger make you want to take pills?"  he asked me.  I swallowed hard as I thought about the long answer.  I gripped the hem of my shirt and looked into his eyes.

"It all start with Tigs..."  I told him.  He looked confused and flicked his pen in his hands.

"Who is Tigs?"  he asked me.  

"Well...that's the long answer..."  I told him.

"Okay....do you want to tell me the long answer then?"  I sat up in my chair and took the cup of water from the table and sipped it.  It was going to take a lot of explaining.  My mouth was already dry.

"Yeah...."  I answered and put the cup down and stared out the window as I began.  I was trying to pull myself back in time to remember how things were when everything changed.

"It was 1975 and everything seemed perfect.  It was perfect.  Until Tigs came along.."