My Bijou! A Maylor Love Story

You make me feel..like a millionaire..Part 3

A/N - Oops!  This is why you don't publish a chapter while you are sick...  In the last chapter I goofed and forget to amend the last part from the original story draft.  Freddie and Deacy do know about the plan for Clare to have a baby for Brian.  I will correct this in a future story cleanup.  Sorry for any confusion!  Carry on.....  cough...cough...sneeze...

One Month Later   -  14th July 1976

London

Brian's POV

"Brian...you seem to worry a lot...I want you to tell me three things that are worrying you right now...."  Father McKenzie requested of me.  Well, he prefers to be called Mack since he left the church.  I thought about his question and responded truthfully.

"Whether Clare is pregnant; the new house and that I don't have enough material for our new album..." I told him.  He didn't seemed surprised by my answers.  He grinned warmly at me and leaned back in his chair.  I noticed he doesn't take any notes during our sessions.  This is our third visit together.  Dr. Fischer took a lot of notes and would always tap his pen against my folder.  Thinking about it now it seemed like he was inpatient with me and his tapping was a little unsettling.  I feel comfortable with Mack.  He is so relaxed and calm.

"Can you expand on these for me?"  Mack said as he stared at me with complete interest.  "The baby for starters..."  he suggested.  I liked that he decided to go in order of my list.  I like a bit of order about stressful things.

"Alright.....we tried again with the insemination around the first week of the month..and we are now waiting to see if she gets her period....like last time...."  I explained to him.  Mack pressed his lips together and nodded at me. 

"And if she's not pregnant.....like last time....how will you feel?"  he asked me in his matter of fact manner. 

"Well...Rog said that it can take several tries you know....so I have to be patient..."  I answered.  Mack seemed dissatisfied with my response.

"I didn't ask how Roger said things might play out....I want to know how you will feel if she still isn't pregnant..."  he asked me gently.  I could feel my face fall a little.  I swallowed hard.

"Like I let her down..." I said quietly.  Mack's face registered surprise and he seemed inquisitive.

"How are you letting her down?" 

"Because that's what I do in life...."  I said to him before I realized the words came out of my mouth.  I felt like one of my biggest secrets slipped away from the deepest and darkest parts of my being and I almost shuddered.  Why did I say this out loud?

"Brian....what makes you believe you let people down?"  Mack pointedly requested of me.  The giant list of my offenses began filling my head.  Well. It's always there!  It just got better organized.  Or maybe overwhelming. I don't know.  It's just always there.

"God...where do I begin?"  I honestly replied.  "There is my parents for a start..."  Mack made a gesture for me to stop.

"Stop right there!"  he ordered.  "I need to know how you've let them down..."  he sounded sincere and not in any way condescending so I feel it is okay to speak my inner truth.  I sighed heavily before I began my speech about my father.

"Not my Mum so much...but I know I've disappointed her at times....but my Father...." I revealed to him.  "He has told me more than once I let him down..."  I confessed.  Mack maintained an even expression as he listened.  "I mean look at me!  I married and live with another man!  I dropped out of my doctoral studies to play rock and roll!  I'm raising a child as my own that was born out my husband cheating on me!"  I let my memory of my Father's list of my failings fall out of my mouth.  "My Father doesn't even know about my situation last year..."  I said as my voice got quiet.  I realized if my Father knew I had tried to hurt myself in any way this would be the ultimate.