My Bijou! A Maylor Love Story

Don't Try Suicide..Part 5

30 December 1976

London

Roger's POV

"Roger.....you've got gonorrhea..."

Those words made me shudder. And those words made me realize something. Fuck! Brian knows I cheated! And so does the doctor! And so does Chrissie! Fuck!

This was not what I thought I would be hearing and it felt like the floor dropped out from under me. I am completely humiliated and know I've been found out. They know, and more importantly, Brian knows, I cheated on him. "Fuck!" I can't imagine how red my face is. I can only hang my head down and try to keep it together to get through this appointment. I rubbed my face and ran my hand through my hair to pull it from my eyes and tried to look the doctor in the face.

"Are you sure?" I asked him; feeling like an idiot for my choice of words. The doctor kept an even expression and nodded to me.

"I tested Brian twice..." he replied. Fuck!

"Fuck..uhhh...okay...." was all I could come up with.  I don't know what else to say. The doctor turned around and pulled a slip of paper from the counter.

"Here is a prescription for the antibiotics you need to take..." he told me in a clinical manner. I was surprised. I really thought I would be getting a lecture. "Take every one of these pills and cease any sexual activity for two weeks.." he told me as he opened a drawer and pulled out a packet of condoms. Well shit! Here we go with the lecture!  "Roger...you might want to consider using these in future.." he said as he handed me a couple of the packets. I nodded and tried to keep eye contact with him. It was tough. Shit!   This is beyond embarrassing.

"I don't even know what to say...." I finally blurted out to him and he nodded to me and reached over and touched my arm. I like Dr. Roberts a lot and feel like I have let him down in some way. Shit! I've let myself down. I've really let Brian down the most. Fuck!

"I think whatever you need to say should be saved for Brian...don't you think?" he replied. He was right. I nodded and felt the sting of tears in my eyes. A sudden swell of emotion came over me. My chest tightened and I gasped as I realized I really was the reason he tried to hurt himself.  I caused him so much pain he felt he needed to swallow a bunch of fucking pills to make it go away!

"Roger....Dr. Fischer's office already called me...." Dr. Roberts told me as he gently squeezed my arm. I nodded that I heard him as I covered my face with my hands and tried to get a hold of myself. But I couldn't. I am the reason Brian did this! Fuck! I am the reason he swallowed all those fucking pills! I really am a piece of shit! A cheat and a liar! I leaned over and choked on my sobs as everything came spilling out of me. Fuck! Dr. Roberts stood up and moved to stand next to me and put his arm around me as I unloaded everything. The guilt. The regret. The embarrassment. I don't know how long I was there; hunched over and shaking. Feeling like I have completely fucked my life up. Wondering how I can face Brian. The doctor stood patiently next to me and finally helped pull me up once I calmed down a bit. I was still crying and tried to wipe my face with my sleeve.  My face burned from so much crying.  The doctor grabbed some tissues and handed them to me as I tried to clean my face up. I finally cleared my throat and got myself pulled together.

""Sorry...."  I told him.  I am very sorry.  About many things.

"Roger...I want you to know that I prescribed the Valium that Brian overdosed on..." the doctor told me as I finished wiping my nose. I looked up at him and saw the pain in his face.

"Hey...it's alright Doc....you didn't know..." I told him. I felt like I needed him to know it wasn't his fault. He nodded to me and tried to smile but it didn't really surface.