My Bijou! A Maylor Love Story

Save Me....Part 1

A/N - Here we go folks...deep breath!

28 December 1975

London

Brian's POV

It's like the spell was broken.  I don't know how else to put it.  With the holidays and Roger and I's anniversary behind us, the world felt a little flat.  New Year's Eve was still approaching but I didn't seem to be in the spirit of going out to celebrate. I would go anyway.  I didn't want to disappoint Roger.  He has been so amazing since we came home from touring.  We haven't fought at all and his drinking and temper have both been in check.  I couldn't ask for more from him right now.  I hoped that despite my own mood shifting back to a darker place, Roger and I would remain where we are.

I never told Roger about my dream returning.  He had only asked me about it that one time in Rockfield.  I had lied to him but it was only because I truly felt writing that song would help make it go away.  But it didn't.  I always remember Roger's observation on why he thinks I have this dream.  I try to use this to dispel the anguish it gives me when I wake up from it.  Roger told me I have the dream because I am feeling insecure.  That I am doubting myself or doubting us.  There is probably some truth in that.  I try to think objectively about it but too often I just feel weighed down from the intense emotions it stirs in me.  The helplessness I feel when Tiger Lily is pulled from my arms and I struggle to save her as the water washes her away from my grasp.  I hate that my dream mostly shows Roger being a passive observer; who does nothing to help me or to save his daughter.  Our daughter.  I can't help but feel a little angry that he doesn't do anything.  He just stands at the end of the bridge and watches it all with no emotion.  I know it's just a dream but it almost hurts me to see this reflection of him.  I need to learn to just let this go.  It's hard.

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"You got everything?"  I asked Roger as he zipped his bag up and pulled it off the bed.  I held Tiger Lily in my arms as I watched him get ready. I clung tight to her and smelled her hair and skin. It was comforting.

"I think so....you sure you'll be okay here on your own?"  he asked me.  I nodded and smiled to assure him as I followed him down the stairs.  He left his suitcase by the door and went in to the kitchen to grab some extra packets of cigarettes from the cupboard.  He slipped them in his day bag and put his coat on.  He reached up and kissed me before we walked outside to the car.  Clare and Winnie were already inside and the car was warming up. I hesitantly put Tiger Lily into her car seat and I walked over and leaned down at the driver door as Roger got in the car to leave. I felt a weight form in the pit of my stomach. I will miss them.

"The repairman should be here soon..I'll call you later to let you know how it went.."  I told Roger as I waived to Winnie and Clare.  I saw Tigs waive back to me and smiled. Her joyful demeanor always warmed me up. "Have a safe trip.."  I told them.  We all said goodbye and they took off for Truro.  Roger was driving them back there for a short visit with his family.  He had some relatives visiting for a few days and he was going to be there when his mother's new clothes washer was installed.  I was supposed to go but our heater began acting up and there is bad weather forecasted for the end of the week.  I had called first thing this morning and a repairman was coming in the next few hours.  So I stayed in London. It wasn't what we wanted, but we needed it repaired.  I was the obvious choice to stay and handle it.

Part of me was kind of grateful for a break from being social and having to put on a happy face.  Between my lack of real sleep and so much going on at once, I was ready for a little down time from the world. Having to go and meet a bunch of people in Roger's family and having to play the pretend game as Clare's boyfriend sounded exhausting.  His family doesn't know about us so it would be required to put on our public persona.  None of us were thrilled at the prospect.  Maybe the broken furnace a was blessing in disguise. I went inside and made some toast while I waited for the repairman.  He arrived as I finished eating and I showed him where our furnace was located.  It took him about two hours and he had everything in working order.  The cost wasn't too bad and I wrote him a check before he left.  With that problem solved I decided to try and take a nap.  I felt tired and I need to be rested and ready when we resume our tour.  I went up to my room and tried to lay down for a while but ended up staring at the ceiling.  The house is too quiet.  I gave up and headed back downstairs to work on something I had been neglecting for some time. Something I hoped would keep my thoughts focused on happier things.