When The Stars Align

Chapter 11

I haven't seen or talked or heard of James the rest of the week. My head was just confused and torn in between wanting to know of him and being happy for not being able to reach him. I would never admit to anyone the truth but all alone with my thoughts I missed him, and he occupied most of my thoughts and I caught myself quite often thinking about him. It was very hard for me to let him go. I was no longer a happy, confident woman, I was far from that. I was always distant trying to shake James away from me, but nothing could erase him. The only times I'd smiled was when I remembered our time together.

I smiled and giggled thinking about the way he smiles or the way he tells jokes. I wished secretly that he'd show up by surprise, or I fantasized about running up to him randomly on the street or even worse I wished with all my heart that he'd call me. He didn't, for a long week I haven't heard from him.

Alex and I decided to go to my parents' ranch during the weekend and I was alright with that because I missed my daughter. In the plane I was happy again because my daughter was the most important thing in my life. My parents were at the airport waiting for us and so was Sarah, who ran to my arms when she saw me.

"Mom..." She breathed holding onto me with strength. I pampered her blond hair with my hands and held her tight against my body and that moment it hit me more than ever that she was mine and James, my heart raced that moment and I realized I was in love with the father of my daughter but that it was an impossible task. "I missed you mommy." She said smiling and her smile was just like his, her eyes was just his.

"I missed you too sweetie." She clutched her hand in mine and took me to my parents. I was happy to see them and held them too. Suddenly I was their little girl again as I needed protection. I felt as if the floor was being ripped off my feet.

As the weekend went on I felt my anxiety taking care of me. Alex complained a lot about my lack of tenderness with him and my parents didn't waste time pointing out how distant I was. I felt lost as I tried to turn things around, but it always ended up at the same point, James and then James again. While I watched my little girl playing near the river with Alex and my parents I acknowledged one more time how much she looked like him, she was playing around and suddenly the way she pointed at Alex and then opened her mouth to laugh loud was just like him. I could never tell him she was his and I could never tell her that the band I played on my car, which she loved a lot, when I take her to school was her father's band. Sarah never asked about him and that for sure made things easy for me. I guess my girl was never curious to meet her father, she's always assumed that he abandoned her even though I never said he did.

While I watched Sarah my urge and my desire for James grew. I picked up my cell and looked at it, I knew I had his number in there. I looked for it and then stared at it for seconds then my reason wasn't enough to fight my heart's will, I texted him, knowing deep inside that, probably, he would never text me back but I did it anyway, I guess just the fact that I was trying to reach him made me comfortable and somehow near him. I thought for a while about what to write.

"Hi. Wondering if everything is alright with you." Most random and lame text message in the world but I just didn't know what to tell him. I rested my cell on my towel and looked back at my girl who was making me funny faces, to my surprise my cell vibrated, and I looked down to find James's name on the display screen. I grabbed my cell with my hands shaking a bit and a silly smile formed on my lips. My heart raced realizing he had taken no time to text me back. "I am fine and you?" I knew it was nothing special but then mine hadn't been that great as well. "I'm spending my weekend with my daughter, I am good." I answered him.

I rested the cell again on my towel and looked at my daughter who was walking up to me. She sat by my side and put her head on my lap.

"What's the matter?" I asked her, tapping her hair.