When The Stars Align

Chapter 94

Life wasn't the same for me after that. I knew the baby hadn't been planned by any of us nor wanted. We had decided to stay with two kids, settle there but then the third happened, at the worst time possible and we loved him still. I loved him, even if I menaced James with abortion, which I intended to do if he hadn't decided to go on therapy. But to me my life wasn't the same...I thought I would come out of it, overcome the accident but every day it was worse. I would become better physically but mentally it all became worse. I became mentally fragile, with one obsession...the baby I had lost. I kept wondering if it was a boy or a girl, if it would look like me or James or both. If the baby was going to be quiet or not, how it would be like to hold him for the first time...all hammering in my head time and time again.

Christmas came quite fast, and even if I had to move carefully we did went to Aspen as James had planned. To me Christmas was ruined. I had no spirit or whatsoever, but I agreed going there because the kids were too excited. We stayed at a wooden cabin in the middle of the mountain, near the sky rails and my parents got another cabin quite near ours. They were both filled with lights and had a huge Christmas tree in the living room, near the fireplace. The kids took their stockings and hanged them near the fireplace too. Sarah only did it because of her brother, at her age she knew perfectly well Santa Claus wasn't real, but the little boy believed it with all his soul.

"We're going outside to the snow for a walk." James told me. I was sat on the couch, zapping through the channels of their cable TV. I looked at my family all dressed in snow suites, they looked cute, but I couldn't even smile.

"Have fun with them, I'll stay here." I said. I heard James breathing heavily but I tried to ignore that.

"Sarah, take Tyler outside but don't get out of the yard." He spoke to our daughter and once the door closed shut, he came and sat by my side.

"Don't you wanna go out and play with the kids?" He asked me grabbing my hand and giving it gentle strokes with his thumb.

"No." I said shortly.

"Andrea..." He said my name and then went silent. "I brought you here to have fun with them. They are expecting to have fun with you too. You have barely paid attention to them since you got out of the hospital." He pointed out. I didn't feel the need to answer to that, I knew it was true.

"I just don't feel good." I lied. " The rib still bothers me a lot." I just wanted to be alone and cry, because that was all I did since the accident. Cry my eyes out, until they were swollen and irritated, to the point of wanting to cry and tears wouldn't come out. I wanted to drown in tears, lay in the dark, cover my head and shut down to the world. James, not naïve, sighed and then got up.

"You're gonna make them sad." He stated. "Again." Then he turned his back at me and closed the door. I heard Tyler giggling and then their steps on the snow disappearing. I knew I was hurting my kids, and James, who in fact was being amazing to them. He was being their mother and father; I had never seen him so responsible with the children as he became since the accident. He never said anything to me, he'd always try to take me out or for walks, be part of their games and fun. He was always trying to make me feel better, bringing me presents, flowers, cuddling me and hugging me often, but nothing replaced the hole that was left in my soul. I was preparing to lay down on the couch and cry when a knock at the door prevent me from do it. I got up and came to answer it, to find my mother, without a friendly face, outside.

"What are you doing here? I thought you were going with them." I said coming back inside and shivering a bit as I felt the cold outside.

"I was going with them, but then James told me you wanted to stay here alone, once again. And that's exactly the expression he used. What are you doing?" She asked me pulling a chair to sit in front of me. I lay back on the couch and pulled the blanket over my body.