When The Stars Align

Chapter 20

The next morning I woke up with a terrible headache caused by the lack of sleep: I cried my eyes out alone in bed, as I realized I had lost James again. Then I also cried because there was a void in my daughter's heart and that was caused by me, there was the lack of father's love. I just couldn't sleep straight. I felt powerless to do anything. I couldn't go back to San Francisco running as my daughter needed me there, she could be ill, but I wanted to do it. I wanted to go after him and try to explain it to him. Deep inside I knew he would never forgive me.

I met my mother in the kitchen and through the window I saw Sarah playing outside, running with the dogs. I smiled hearing her laugh, but I also noticed my mother looking at me.

"Morning mom." I said looking at her. My eyes were so swollen from the crying during the night that it seemed like I couldn't focus well. My mother curled an eyebrow looking at me and grabbed my arm pulling me to the table.

"Sit here." She said pulling a chair. Sometimes she treated me like a kid, I guess we remain kids to our parents. She began to pour a cup of coffee and put it in front of me and then she sat, resting her chin on her hand. I took a sip of my coffee and then looked at her, I didn't know what to tell her, but I knew she wanted to talk. "I heard you crying last night." As she said this, tears prompted in my eyes again. James, his words, his sorrow, his sobs...I was a mess again...

"Oh mom..." I whispered cleaning my eyes. "Long story." I said.

"You can start, well, first why isn't Alex here?"

"We broke up." I said and my mother grabbed my hand.

"And that has something to do with James appearing again, right?" She asked and I nodded unable to lie to her.

"We didn't manage to stay away from each other. I love him mom!" My mother shook her head and opened her mouth rather shocked. "Don't judge me please..." I asked her.

"I'm not judging you but ...Sarah...and poor Alex!"

"I know! I love him..." I sighed and took a deep breath at the same time. My eyes filled with tears one more time.

"You love him, ok...I got that but why the tears and sadness then. Why all that crying during the night?"

"Because I think I lost him." I sobbed a bit not containing the despair inside of me. "He found out Sarah is his..." My mother curved over me and held me, it felt good, motherhood protection, we all need that once in a while despite how old we are. "I lost him again mom..." I cried.

"How did he find out?"

"I don't know...he just popped the question and I didn't have the courage to lie. I was trying to find a way to tell him, but I didn't know how to approach the subject. He saw her in photos and he always looked at them in a weird manner."

"She looks like him, so I bet he noticed that in the photos, maybe not right away but then it clicked. It should have been you telling him!"

"I couldn't!" I exclaimed. "He was crying on the phone...god...I lost him..." I sobbed again.

"Stop that and calm down!" She almost yelled. "Don't give up so easily if you love him the way you say you do!" I looked at my mother surprised, my eyes grew wider. "Don't look at me that way! Yes, this is insane, I think you are just throwing your life away too fast but if you love him the way you say you do then don't let him slip away. Yes, he is shocked and mad, and he has all the right to be, after all Andrea, you hid a daughter from him for ten years but don't give up, try to explain it to him."

"Mom, I tried to call him when I woke up and his cell is turned off. I tried two more times and the same...clearly he doesn't want to talk to me because he knows I was going to call him."