DEAR CONNOR

CRYING IN PAIN

DIANA'S P.O.V

I woke up to a white ceiling above.  And this whole white walls too.  I thought Connor's room was all blue.  Wait.

"Babe..."  Connor held my hands.

"Whoa...  Where...am...I?"  I saw everybody's face.  Even the McDonough's parents.

"She's awake."  Tanya rushed to come into the room with Doctor McCain.

"Oh...hey...Doctor."  I laid back my head to the pillow.

"Diana."  He nodded.  "How you feeling?"

"Okay..."  I looked around.  "What...happened?"

"Tanya said you passed out during your sleep.  It's supposed to be your meal time, but you barely opened your eyes.  So they brought you here."  Doctor McCain explained.

I saw their faces.  Tanya bit her nails nervously with Aireen by her side.  Then there's Toby, who anxiously stared at me.  Riley, held Tanya's waist, tried to snap himself all over again by shake his head.  Mr. and Mrs. McDonough forced a smile on me.  Then Connor, the last but the closest, bowed his head on my right hand, crying.

"Doctor..."  I blinked a tear.  "Am I...how close...are...we?"

"No, you're still fine."  Doctor McCain shook his head.  "You're strong.  And still okay now."

"Hmm?"  I tried to feel my body.  "Really...?"

"Really."  He stared at me with his watery eyes.  "But now, thiings will be a bit different than before.  You'll be eating through this infusion."

I shocked myself and glared at the infusion bottles on the table.  My meal just turned into liquid that they have to feed me through my veins.  From now on, there'll be no future.  It's even farer to imagine one more beautiful day to spend.  I thought I still had time.  But then, that's the one I haven't had anymore for so long.

"Okay..."  I nodded, forcing a tough heart.  "I...can...handle...it."

"We'll always be here for you, sweetheart."  Doctor McCain stroked my hair.

"I...believe...so."  I smiled.

"Now, you ready to eat?"  He called a nurse to put the meal infusion to me.

I just stared at my own hands and veins.  The nurse asked me to hold a breath as she injected the small needle against my skin.  Go ahead.  It's already hurt since the day one.

I held my tears by biting my lips when the infusion run through my veins.  It's like they put some very small stones into my body.  I screamed to the pillow sometimes, with everybody being the witness.  I don't know now, what would kill me eventually.  The inability to eat, or the pain that I felt that's too strong.

"I'm here..."  Connor whispered just when I struggled with this infusion.

I just cried on his hands, so loud, so hurt.  Aireen looked away to Toby because I knew she can't handle this.  Tanya braved herself to stand still.  I stared at Connor's eyes, ashamed of myself for everything.  I wanted to just die.

"Okay.  That's enough."  Doctor McCain checked on the infusion and soon asked the nurse to take it off, changed to the normal one.

"Argh..."  I groaned.

"Be strong, baby."  Connor whispered closer to me.

"Ssh...it's okay...  It's all done."  Doctor McCains stroked my skin which now has a scar on it.

I shut my eyes repeatedly to adjust the pain.  And I managed to gain myself back real soon.  I started to recognize their faces again.  

"Is...this...still...Christmas...Eve?"  I asked no one in particular.

"Yes."  Toby and Riley nodded in unison. 

"What do you want to do, sissy?"  Toby got closer and kissed my forehead.

"Pray..."  I held his hand on my left, and Connor's on my right.  "Pray..."

"Alright!"  Joan swept her tears and gathered them all around my bedside.  "Let's pray then."

"Lord, thank you for this kind of life.  Thank you for the whole amazing years that we have so far.  Thank you for the amazing friendship, amazing life.  Here's to even better music career ahead."  Toby started the pray.

"Please, we want Diana to get better..."  Riley's trembling voice cracked.

"Release Diana's pain, God...  Please..."  Tanya's voice getting even slower.

"Bless this Christmas, I want to meet Diana again for another thousands Christmas."  Aireen added.

"Amen..."  I stared at them all, while they're still bowing their heads.

In this silence of pray, Connor squeezed my hands tighter.  I looked above.  He shut his eyes and there were so many untold tears he cried.  My heart was like getting punched right on it.  He must be in pain.  His heart must be broken.

"And I...  God, please...  Bare with me.  I...want her to be happy again.  To play basket ball again.  To sing on a choir again.  To write new songs again.  To play piano again.  To play guitar again.  To make dinner for us again.  To...just...  She deserves a good life.  For the sake of Your name, I beg...  Please..."

Connor's pray just made everybody released a deep pain sigh.  He fell his knees on the floor, cried harder, with still holding my hands.  I looked away to the white ceiling.  I screamed in my prayers.  I said amen to the whole prays.  But something about Connor's has made me broken into pieces.  Aireen and Tanya hugged me tightly.  I yelled random stuff in my cry.  My body's trembling so hardly, I can't hold it.  The guys stepped back, leaving me only with Tanya, Aireen, and Joan.  I don't know what's hurt.  It just hurts.  Everything that Connor said were the ones I wanted to do.  The ones I've been trying to forget.  I tried to deny that I was the basketball team captain, or the choir chief.  It's hard when your life turned upside down without any warning.  What did I do wrong til God take away the life from me.  I always think God's unfair.  I've sworn to myself that I wouldn't take Connor, or anybody from Ariana, ever.  But maybe this is just my punishment for loving Connor.