DEAR CONNOR

BYE BYE ARIANA

DIANA'S P.O.V

Another day to spend.  Another day to live.  I swear I'm torn in the hope for live or die.  It feels the same to me now.  I looked up in the mirror and found this skinny girl with dark eyes bags, messy hair, scars, and pale skin.  I'm too unworthy to be loved.

Today I wanted to meet Ariana.  I wish she could be here to meet me at the hospital, since Doctor McCain didn't want me to come home anymore.  Christmas has gone.  And no, God brought me nothing on my last Christmas except tears from everybody.  So I really wanted to meet Ariana before it's too late.  I don't know if I can handle this before New Year Eve.  Right.  You should've prepared your fireworks instead of dying.

Do you know where Ariana is?

I started to write down everything since my ability to talk has slightly vanished.  Doctor McCain put a tube on my throat last night because it's really hard for me to breathe.  Then suddenly I lost my voice.  I can force a talk, but I'd feel the horrible pain.

"It's...she's gone for tour, I guess."  Tanya answered.  "What do you want me to do, twin?"

I really miss her.  Can't she come home for a while?  What tour?

"Only country tour.  I think she's in Cincinnati right now.  I saw the updates through Twitter.  I don't know if she can make it to come home real soon.  Anyways, are you sure you want to talk to her?"

Sure.  Would you help me?

"Anything."  Tanya nodded.

Then I whispered her everything that I've planned.  It didn't take too long for her to prepare it.  I thought I was just going to do this before all of them come back to my room.  It's perfect, this time Tanya got assigned to accompany me after Connor last night.  It should be that fast, nobody would know this.

"You're ready?  Want to talk or write?"  Tanya took so many paper from the drawer in case I wanted to write.

"No...I...want...to...talk."  I shook my head.

"Alright.  Rolling...  Go."  Tanya turned on the camera.

I took a deep breath and prayed, hopefully my voice come out perfectly this time.  I think it's gonna be my longest conversation before I seriously stopped talking.  And here, for Ariana.

"Hey love.  How you doing?  Uhm.  Tanya said you're going on tour, so yeah, I'm making this.  I just real want to talk to you, like something is pushed against my chest.  I hope you want to continue watching this video.  I swear it won't take too long."

I stopped for a while to give some air into my lungs.  It's hard.  Wow.  Even to talk, I used so many power already.  Then in the middle of it, I saw Connor coming.  It's...unexpected.  We're in the middle of the video making and he's here.  What now.  

"What are you guys doing?"  Connor came and kissed my forehead, but I barely moved.

"Making video."  Tanya glared at me, asking for a permission.

"What?"  Connor looked at me too.  I just smiled.

"So, uhm...  I know you hate me so much right now.  I understand.  But gosh, Ari, what can I do.  I keep thinking about you for the past 6 months.  Let's be honest now.  My Melbourne plan was all for you.  It's about you.  I know...that this feeling for Connor was all wrong.  I should've not loved him because he's yours.  And now you're both broke up because of me.  I wish I could do something more, to convince you more, but you don't even want to talk to me.  Sissy, my time's running out.  I think even when you watch this video, I'll be..."

I choked.  Tanya has just cried behind the camera, while Connor remained frozen by my side.  I don't care anymore.  There were too many secrets that have been carried for so long.  What's the point anyway.  Clock is ticking.

"My only wish is to see you happy, sweetheart.  I know I've stolen your happiness.  I've tried to adjust everything so that you'd own your life again.  But wow, I have no time to do it forever...  Uhm...  But no, I wish, after all I've done, you'd forgive me.  I'd do this kind of life all over again for you.  You know, if only I got the chance to make a payoff, I'd live again and make sure myself I wouldn't love Connor if that's gonna hurt you.  I'm sorry...  I love you so so much...  I just miss your hair, your perfume, that long ponytail, and your morning humming.  To drive again with you, Starbucks escape, breakfast session, everything.  Just...  Live on, okay baby?  Live on.  As much as you hate me because I know I'm the worst adopted sister ever, I love you.  Say hello to Mom and Dad in case I can't do it.  Say thank you to them for adopting me that day.  I've indeed once had a good life with you."

"Gosh..."  Tanya breathed out her cry by standing by the window.  "Oh God..."

"I love you.  Until next time.  Bye bye..."

I waved to the camera then Tanya turned it off.  I looked at her and mouthed thank you.  She was busy taking off the external memory from the camera, to start working on her laptop.  Meanwhile, I lifted up my head and stared at Connor.  He stared back at me.

"Why..."  Connor whispered, kneeled by my bedside.

"Just...to...end...everything..."  I nodded blinking a tears stream.

"If I had to live again with this kind of situation, I'd still gonna choose you."  Connor kissed the top of my head.

"Don't...make...it...looks...even...horrible."  I shook my head.  "Ariana..."

"No, that'd still be you.  What?  You can't force yourself to love a person that you thought you did, but at the end of the day, it's just me adoring her, not loving.  I thought adoring and loving was the same thing.  I thought by having my favorite artist in my arms, my life would be complete.  But then there's you, and your genuine heart...The first person I've ever had my heartbeat gone faster to, but I ignored it..."

I left Connor in silence again.  I wish he knew how many secret I held up for him.  But I'm planning to save the best for the last.  I couldn't take anymore risk where Connor keep telling me he loves me because it wouldn't work that way.  I told you, my time's up.  None of those words would give me my time back.