DEAR CONNOR

BLACK FUNERAL

TANYA'S P.O.V

I hate the funeral.  For God's sake I hate to bury my own best friend.  Can't you see that she's just 21?  A beautiful 21-year-old with such full of hopes to live?  Then everything started to crash her down at the time when she couldn't hold onto anybody?  Then her sister started to hate her just because they loved the same guy?  Just because Ariana thought Connor was her when the fact told us Connor was all Diana's since the freaking day one?  I hate how the world spin sometimes.  No, in a matter of fact, all the time.  Why can't somebody else just die so that Diana could open her eyes again right before we bury her?  May I curse the earth for taking her away?

"Babe, that's enough..."  Riley took the pen out of my hand.

"I want to write."  I took it back.

"Ain't no point.  She's gone..."  He wrapped my whole body from behind.

"I want Diana back!!!"  I screamed the top of my lungs.  "Go away!"

"I'm not going anywhere."  He stood still.  "Scream and punch me whatever I'm still staying.  Make me your punching bag.  Go."

Riley seriously didn't bother to let go of my trembling body when I even started to hit my phone on the wall.  He hugged me tightly from behind, to avoid me from hurting myself.  I swear, I was about to cut my wrist yesterday.  I can't contain so much sadness.  It's about to blow up beyond my own self.  I tried to look stronger yesterday, but if I may, I was the one who's being left right here.  Remember when Diana said she'll never leave me?  Because I do.  But then look where we are now.

"The funeral is about to start in 30 minutes.  Come on."  Riley kissed the top of my haed and stroked my hair.  "She wants to see you there..."

"Ri...  I...  I can't..."  I cried so hard against his chest.

"I know..."  He blinked a tear too on my cheek.

"I HATE MYSELF!!!  AAARRRGHHHH!!!"  I pulled my hair repeatedly but Riley stopped me.  That's what I've been doing since earlier this morning.  I dyed my hair, then mess it up again.

"I love you."  Riley finally shut me up by tightened his grip on my hands.

The silence was haunting us.  I cried deep down in the worst shape ever, but I barely heard my own groan.  It's inside.  Deep down inside my throat.  I cried 'til I can't breathe.  I cried 'til my eyes hurt so badly.  Have you ever cried against yourself that you want to take off your soul from your body because you just hate every single freaking thing in this world?  Just like you don't even care anymore what on earth is going on.  Just like when you think you'd stop give yourself credit.  No meals are good enough to eat.  No more room to sleep at anymore.  No air to take a breath.  No reason to be alive except when you have no choice about it.

"You're okay now, babe?"  Riley was frozen too with me and our whole black suits in his room.  This white room was all messy and too big.  I felt the cold.

"I'm sorry."  I shook my head, tried to gain myself back.

"It's okay.  She loves you.  You don't want to see her fight much longer if she barely speak, but at the same time, we gotta move on in life.  You know that."  He whispered in my ears.

"She knows I love her?"  I spoke very slowly.

"She does.  And she's waiting for you."  He kissed my forehead.  "Come on baby, everybody's waiting."

I nodded and walked with Riley downstairs.  He never took his hand off from my waist and shoulders because seriously, what made me walk right now was Riley's hands.  I tried so hard to balance my legs.  I was debating with my own body.  But funeral can't wait.  We gotta go.